


Daisy Chain

by Half_SubmergedinPurgatory



Series: Carry Me Home [4]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Child Abuse, Child Neglect, Childhood, Complete, Flower Language, Fluff, Friendship, Gen, Growing Up, Hide is a bit yandere tbh, Kaneki's mom doesn't die until he's 12, Kanekles learns to be independent, Platonic Relationships, Soul Bond, pre-events of Carry Me Home and Tokyo Ghoul
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-09
Updated: 2015-07-18
Packaged: 2018-03-11 08:46:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 28,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3321200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Half_SubmergedinPurgatory/pseuds/Half_SubmergedinPurgatory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hide and Kaneki's childhood memories from their first meeting to university (from fluff to angst and back again). Pre-Carry Me Home (you don't need to read the rest of the series to understand).</p><p>Amaryllis: First Meeting<br/>Camellia: Playdate<br/>Carnation: A Secret<br/>Cherry Blossom: A Gift<br/>Daisy: Soulmates<br/>Freesia: Independence<br/>Iris: Defender<br/>Magnolia: Family<br/>Violet: A Letter<br/>Wild Wisteria: A Home<br/>White Rose: A Funeral<br/><br/>Completed fic!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Amaryllis

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everybody! The side series of the week is going to be "Daisy Chain" where each chapter will be another look into Kaneki and Hide's history and each one will be represented by a particular flower. It'll grow gradually more serious the older they get and will cover some content from the TG novels. Hope you like it!
> 
> Amaryllis means "shy" in flower language. This is the story of Hide and Kaneki's first meeting.

With a sunbeam smile and rocking on his feet like a dandelion swaying in the wind, 8-year-old Nagachika Hideyoshi stood before his new class for the very first time. His parents had moved around a lot thus far in his life, but he didn’t mind. Meeting new people was **_so exciting_** and he’d basically perfected his “student introduction”.   
  
  
People always liked him a lot ( _even his teachers!_ ) and he was sure nothing would be any different here. His pleasant demeanour faltered for a moment as he waited to introduce himself ( _this was taking foreverrrr_ ). He **_really_** hoped nothing would be different here. His dad had promised him that they would be staying in the 20th ward for at least a few years since the job offer he’d received here was “a really good opportunity for business”.   
  
  
Hide’s teacher called him into the room, breaking him out of his thoughts ( _thank goodness, he’d hate to look as nervous as he suddenly felt_ ).  


  
“Alright class, settle down. I’d like to introduce a new student to you all! Nagachika-kun, would you like to say a few words?”

  
His new teacher, Ms. Cane, was young, pretty, and gentle. He grinned at her, knowing that she’d appreciate the enthusiasm, and also knowing that if she liked him, so would the class.   
  


“Sure thing! Hi everybody!! My name is Hideyoshi Nagachika and I like tons of stuff like bugs, and tag, and going on adventures! I also really like nintendo and have a bunch of games we should totally play together!” 

  
He cried out joyously, ending his little speech with a mock salute and half of a bow like he couldn’t decide which action to perform. The teacher giggled despite herself at his antics and open-ended invitation to the entire class. She pointed out an empty seat in the back of the room and Hide scampered to it amidst excited chattering from the class. 

  
“Where did you transfer from Hide-kun?” 

  
Asked one girl ( _good, they already had a nickname for him!_ ).

   
“The fourth ward!! There was loads of really fun stuff to do there because of the theme parks! But I’m really happy to have moved here because my new house has a ravine behind it and I’ve never built a treehouse before.”

  
He exclaimed loudly, drawing the attention of those who had missed his introduction. More questions poured out alongside invitations ( _we should play the latest Zelda game! Never built a treehouse? You totally have to help us build ours! etc_ ). Hide let a wide smirk split his facein delight as he reveled in the happy chaos he had created. It looked like the 20th ward was just like any other! He had plenty of friends now and his time here should be awesome.   
  


Hide finally plopped himself into his seat, whistling tunelessly as his classmates shot him one last smile each before turning back to the lesson that as about to begin. He scanned the room as he tuned out the teacher ( _he felt a little bad about it, but he’d pay attention next time_ ). Whenever a student asked a question she called on them by name and Hide was determined to remember every single person in the room.   
  
  
As the hour creeped by Hide found himself with a pretty detailed list written in his notebook ( _complete with a seating plan!_ ) and a single blank space. He squinted at the space and surveyed the room, casting his eyes around to find an empty seat. Try as he might though, Hide couldn’t find any unoccupied desks. Then he had an idea. Hide held up his seating plan ( _don’t get caught, don’t get caught_ ) and matched it up with the room itself.   
  
  
Soon his gaze fell upon the “blank space”. A tiny dark-haired boy was hunched over his desk and blatantly ignoring the lesson ( _which was why the teacher never called his name, Hide supposed_ ) with his nose absolutely buried in a book. He looked like an ink blot amongst all the colour in the room, dressed in black slacks and a grey sweater. Long bangs obscured his face from view and Hide was suddenly stricken by the fear that this kid was crying all alone in the back of the room.   
  
  
Strangely, this fear overrode his better judgement ( _don’t stand out too much at first, don’t get in trouble, make plenty of friends_ ) the moment he spotted the empty seat right behind the mystery boy. Hide rose to his feet, abandoning most of his school supplies on his desk ( _he swiped his notes though_ ), and slipped past the students between him and the empty chair.   
  
  
They smiled at him, a confused tilt marring the humour in it, but Hide just flashed them his most reassuring face ( _think of still water and let that be your expression…puddles…a glass of water…what other water didn’t move?_ ) and kept going.   
  
  
Seconds later ( _it felt like years…how did the teacher miss that?_ ) he collapsed into the seat behind Mr. Mystery ( _heh…that was funny. He’d call him that from now on_ ) and waited for him to notice.  


The morning lesson was nearly over and the kid still hadn’t noticed him. Hide was beginning to get a little desperate ( _did they move classrooms between periods? He hoped not_ ) and was itching to at least see the boy’s face. To memorize who he was just like everyone else. **_To make himself likeable_**.   
  
  
Finally, the pressure was too much for him and Hide tugged on the collar of the boy’s grey sweater ( _it was so scratchy!_ ). The kid flinched ( _Hide winced and snapped his hand behind his back_ ) and then steeled himself and turned around in his seat to blink wide grey eyes at him ( _oh! They matched the sweater!_ ).

  
“Yes?” 

  
The boy asked in a breathy whispery voice like he’d run a marathon ( _or was incredibly nervous_ ).

  
“Hullo,”

  
Hide greeted him with a shy little wave; the boy’s nervousness was infecting him. 

  
“Uhm…I’m HIdeyoshi Nagachika. I didn’t think you heard my introduction so I uhh…just wanted to say hi. So hi.” 

  
To his surprise, the boy’s cheeks suddenly blossomed with the bright pink of sakura flowers and his hands flew to cover them ( _the colour was so bright!_ ). 

  
“Hello…I’m Kaneki Ken. I’m sorry I wasn’t listening.” 

  
Kaneki’s voice was muffled behind his hands but Hide heard him just fine. He wanted to laugh and smile and hum a little tune just from this interaction alone. This kid was so earnest! So easy to get along with! They’d be friends in no time flat.  
  
  
Hide unleashed his trade-mark 1000 watt grin on Kaneki and received a heart-melting tender curve of the lips in return ( _he liked him!_ ). Then Hide’s spirits sunk as Kaneki opened his book again, moving a wishing dandelion out from between the pages ( _was it a bookmark?_ ) and returning to his reading without another word. 

 

~~~~~~~ 

 

“Uggggghhhhhhhhhh”

  
Hide groaned under his breath as the second period began ( _in the same room_ ) and Kaneki was still pretty and was still **_ignoring_** him. He’d squirmed in his seat a thousand times over, stared a hole in the back of his head, whispered his name, and just barely held back from poking at him, all to no avail. Hide whined a little bit and a few of the kids around them stared at him but he paid it no mind.   
  
  
He wanted Kaneki’s attention! He wanted to be friends! Finally, dejected, Hide propped his chin up against his hand and began reading Kaneki’s book over his shoulder. Minutes later, it was as if nothing else in the entire world existed outside of Kaneki, the book, and himself. He felt like he was all wrapped up in a blanket fort in winter, warm and snuggly, completely at peace.   
  
  
He sighed happily and Kaneki inclined his head to him with that feathery little smile ( _it reminded him of candlelight_ ) and put his finger on the page to indicate what line he was on. Hide caught up to him, nodded his head once, and Kaneki returned to reading. His posture was better now and Hide could see they were about the same height ( _that was nice…they could share their stuff then…_ ).  
  
  
“HIde-kun? Hide-kun where ar- oh. Why are you over there? Hide-kun? Hello?”

  
Hide slowly eased himself out of his trance ( _his neck cracked and his shoulders were stiff from leaning over Kaneki_ ) to the sound of faint laughter growing louder and louder. Kaneki’s face had turned a flaming shade of red ( _or a really dark pink he'd never seen before and couldn't name...yet_ ) and Hide found himself staring at that instead of at the teacher who was **_still_** calling out to him.

  
“Hideyoshi Nagachika!”  
  


Well, that got his attention. HIde’s head snapped around to look at his teacher, who looked an odd cross between furious and amused, and he “eeped” under his breath.

  
“Since you and Kaneki-kun have formed such a nice friendship that you forgot you were in school, I think it is only right that I remind you where you are. You have detention after school. Together. Now move back to your seat, Hide-kun.” 

  
The pair of boys shrunk into their seats and mumbled a mutual, 

  
“Yes, ma’am.” 

  
Before settling in to sulk for the last few minutes of class. 

 

-POV Change-

 

They didn’t get to talk for the rest of the day and Kaneki had rushed out of the school immediately after their enforced-silence detention had ended. At a pace closer to running than walking, he weaved his way through a series of side streets and hid out at the ravine near his home. He’d been so excited to read his new book today that he had accidentally started reading it in class.   
  
  
His mother was supposed to teach him some new words and phrases from it tonight for their daily lesson, but he’d already missed it and he couldn’t face her ( ** _she’d be sad_** ). Kaneki pouted and tore up grass with hands as he stared out at the water morosely ( _his day had been going so well too…_ ).   
  
  
He sighed heavily and decided that he might as well go back to reading until he gathered the courage to go inside and tell his mom he got detention ( _ugggh the new kid probably **hated** him now_ ). More than a little upset, Kaneki cracked open his novel and let the world fall away.   
  


“HeyyyyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYY KANEKI!!!!”

  
Startled, Kaneki leapt to his feet only to be bowled over by an armful over-excited of Hideyoshi Nagachika.

  
“Hid- what…huh? Aren’t you mad?”

  
Kaneki stuttered, sucking in lungfuls of air to return what had been knocked out of him in the collision. Hideyoshi seemed unaffected and yelled right in his face,

  
“WILL YOU BE MY FRIEND!?” 

  
Before immediately looking equal parts embarrassed, terrified, and hopeful. Kaneki felt his foul mood get whipped away by the summer storm that Hide had brought to him ( _refreshing rain, parting clouds, the sunny sky, oh he could almost see it_ ) with that question.   
  
  
Enthused, Kaneki seized onto Hideyoshi’s hands ( _he’d been edging away from him_ ) and nodded his head so violently his brain shook.

  
“YES! I mean…yes.” 

  
He cried out, quickly correcting himself into a gentler voice to avoid scaring his new pal. He couldn’t really tone back his facial expression though ( _it sparkly and delighted because he had a friend! His own friend!_ ) and he was a bit worried that he’d put Hideyoshi off somehow.   
  
  
But then the initial shock passed and a smile that blazed like a supernova consumed Hideyoshi’s entire face. He threw his arms around Kaneki while dancing up and down.

  
“Wah! You finally put down your book! At last I’ve succeeded! YESSSS!!!!”

  
Hideyoshi crowed, preening himself in contentment as Kaneki began to giggle softly.    
  


“Read with me.”

   
Kaneki demanded, already snatching his book up from the ground and thrusting it into Hide’s arms in his impatience ( _it was so nice earlier and he wanted to do it again_ ).   
  


“It’s really good, but there’s a lot of really big words in there that I didn’t understand, so I was a bit slow. Do you think…you could teach me…maybe?” 

  
The shy request nearly stopped Kaneki’s heart in his chest ( _omigosh he wanted to_ ** _learn_** _from him! He could_ ** _teach_** _somebody???_ ) and again he grabbed a hold of Hideyoshi’s hands, nearly knocking the book back into the weeds. 

  
“Yes! I’d love to! It’ll be really fun! Why didn’t you say anything earlier?” 

  
Hideyoshi flushed darkly and swung their joined hands in embarrassment. 

  
“I wasn’t really focused on the book…I just wanted your attention.”

   
Now it was Kaneki’s turn to blush like a schoolgirl. He shuffled his feet and ducked his chin but didn’t let go of his new friend’s hands.

  
“I’ll write you out a list of definitions tonight…and we can act it out tomorrow? Maybe? Would that be ok, Hideyoshi-kun?”  
  


Hide’s cheeks were still tinged with camellia-red when he agreed hurriedly, tugging his hands away from Kaneki as he began to jog home, calling out behind him:

  
“Call me Hide! We’re besties now, ok!!?? BYEEEEE!!!!!!!” 

  
Kaneki hugged his book to his chest ( _this one was his new favourite so he’d never drop it ever again_ ) and laughed to himself before running home himself, all his sadness forgotten.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and critiques are much appreciated! They help me figure out what people liked and what to continue with~


	2. Camellia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Camellia means "longing" in floriography. These flowers can represent the sharp sweet ache of waiting for someone to return to your side, the wish to attain something for yourself, or the seeking of answers.

 

The bridge was the most amazing thing either of them had ever seen. When Kaneki and Hide had begun building it with tiny sticks and old netting around a week ago it hadn’t looked anything like this.   
  
  
The ravine was tiny, but to Kaneki the bridge seemed like an impossible construction ( _it was big enough for him AND Hide!_ ). They’d embellished it a dozen times over, reinforcing it with big pond rocks and stringing clover garlands over the little posts they’d erected ( _“it’s a suspension bridge” according to Hide, even though it laid directly over the water_ ).   
  
  
Kaneki sat in the dead centre of it, swinging his feet in the water ( _and getting his legs a little wet from where the bridge dipped into the creek_ ) and twisting his body to grin at Hide, who stood proudly before him knee-deep in mud. 

  
“I love it! It’s perfect!”  
  
  
Kaneki chirped, gesturing for Hide to hurry up and join him on their greatest achievement. Hide had gotten there a little earlier than him ( _the little river was on Hide’s property_ ) and had placed the final touches on their creation, so Kaneki felt he deserved 90% of the praise. Hide’s face lit up with a gap-toothed grin and he sidled over, slinging water around in front of him that washed up Kaneki’s legs.   
  
  
Delicately, the other boy hoisted himself onto a rocky part of the bridge, keeping himself relatively dry. Kaneki tipped his head back onto the sun-warmed wood and stared up at the sky above him, soaking in the delicious heat and his best friend’s presence ( _it was a good day_ ).

  
“Heeeeeeeeeeey Kaneki, get upppp! We aren’t done the quest yet, are we?”  
  
  
Hide whined in his ear, scrunching up his hair like he usually did before giving him a wet-willy. Sun-bathing slowed his reaction time, and so Kaneki wound up shrieking shrilly when Hide’s gross saliva-soaked pinky managed to make it into his ear.  
  
  
“Hide!!! Ewwwwww!!!!!”  
  
  
He protested loudly, scrubbing at his violated skin with his shirt. Peels of laughter rang out through their tiny kingdom from Hide’s mouth and Kaneki squinted at him in mock-anger ( _Hide’s voice was really nice, it was always warm and gooey like hot fudge, so it was hard to be mad when he laughed or spoke_ ).  
  
  
“Why’d you wet-willy me? I was just enjoying our marvel of modern technology.”  
  
  
Kaneki pointed out, shifting to lay his head back down. Hide dove and shoved his arms into the space Kaneki has reclined into, effectively holding his head up ( _and rocking the bridge violently_ ).  
  
  
“C’mon Kaneki, we’re on a quest! We were building a bridge to nomad’s land, remember?”  
  
  
Hide cried out, shaking Kaneki’s head around until he heaved an affectionate sigh.  
  
  
“No-man’s land, Sir Knight. We’re doing a quest from your video game, so you’d think you’d remember what it was called.”  
  
  
The shaking finally stopped as Hide squished his cheek into Kaneki’s hair, nuzzling him into submission.  
  
  
“Hey, hey, no need to ruin my hair! I’m all charged up now and ready to do whatever comes next!”  
  
  
Kaneki managed to huff out between guffaws ( _Hide nuzzling his hair always built up a bunch of static and tickled like crazy_ ). The nuzzling wouldn’t stop, however ( _arggghhh, what had he said wrong!?_ ).  
  
  
“I don’t care about the game plot, it’s not as cool as yours! You gotta tell the story!! Kaaaannnneeeeee-“  
  
  
Rolling over, Kaneki pinned Hide to the bridge and tickled him until he could get his own breath back. Tears of mirth were beading in Hide’s eyelashes and sparkling in the sun like diamonds ( _oh! that gave him an idea!_ ).   
  


“We’re going into No-Man’s land to collect diamonds. There’s this gigantic dragon at the princess’s castle, “  
  
  
He pointed at Hide’s house ( _and ignored his out-of-breath “hey!”_ ) before continuing,  
  
  
“And it has struck a deal with the princess. It promised to guard her for all of her days so long as she payed it 50 diamonds. But the princess is royalty, and royalty are cheapskates, so she gave the dragon rhinestones instead.”  
  
  
Kaneki nodded to himself, spinning the story in his mind based off of what he knew of Hide’s game ( _it was about a knight trying to save a princess in a castle haunted by a dragon ghost, but Kaneki thought dragon ghosts sounded dumb. He couldn’t remember the details well anymore, since he couldn’t afford the game and Hide never talked about things Kaneki didn’t have_ ) and elaborating with his own twists and turns.  
  
  
Hide’s muffled laughter spurred him on, and he grinned as he gestured grandly towards Hide.  
  
  
“The dragon found out and was incredibly angry. Dragons eat gems, so giving him rhinestones was like making him a dirt sandwich.”  
  
  
HIde growled ferociously, pretend-clawing at Kaneki’s side ( _he squeeled and scampered away_ ).   
  


“The dragon demanded that the princess give him 51 diamonds as recompense. He was an awfully fair dragon, really. However, the princess’s treasury only had 50 diamonds. Honestly, if she told the dragon that, everything would probably work out fine. Unfortunately, she didn’t want the rest of the world to know how poor her kingdom was-“  
  
  
He paused when Hide muttered under his breath about the value of a single diamond.  
  
  
“Hey, diamonds are worth like a million dollars, Mr. Judgey. Anyway! The princess told the dragon that she’d have all his diamonds within a week. The dragon flew away after that, satisfied. Still, somebody had to get that last diamond, and it sure wasn’t gonna be the princess. She has a country to run after all! She sent her finest knight, H-“  
  
  
“Kaneki Ken!”  
  
  
Hide cut in, now lying on his stomach and kicking his feet back and forth in delight. Kaneki ducked his head and smiled shyly at his friend, consenting to his impromptu change to the plot.  
  
  
“Her finest knight, Kaneki Ken, to go out into the forest to collect the final diamond. He met many trials along the way, including a handful of bees and a roaring river too dangerous to cross. Luckily, the bees were defeated by a grand wizard,”  
  
  
“My dad! Also a handful of bees doesn’t sound very threatening.”  
  
  
“A HOARD of bees then, jeez Hide. I remember you being very scared of that handful of bees.”  
  
  
“Just bees in general, really. They’re mean.”  
  
  
“The bees were burnt to a crisp by the magic of a grand wizard the knight met along the way, and then he built a bridge to conquer the river with the help of his greatest friend in the world! Now he is about to take the final steps of his diamond-getting journey. The knight is going to investigate an old abandoned diamond mine full of spider-monsters.”  
  
  
Kaneki finished, a bit embarrassed over his declaration of supreme friendship ( _he hadn’t called Hide anything more than a friend out loud before_ ). Hide looked happy enough to explode though, so he supposed it was alright.  
  
  
“Alright then, Sir Knight Kaneki, your best friend is going to help you find some diamonds!”

 

~~~~~~

 

They mined until sundown, sweat and dirt streaked, as happy as they’d ever been. Hide’s parents called for them from the top of the hill and they both yelled back their best excuses;  
  
  
“Mom, I’m saving a kingdom right now!”  
  
  
“Yeah, Hide’s mom, we’re doing good deeds! Good deeds don’t stop at night!”  
  
  
“What kind of best friend would I be if I abandoned my knight now, mom?”  
  
  
A gusty sigh rolled down the hill to meet their ears.  
  
  
“Honey, it’s nice that Kaneki reciprocates your ‘super-special-amazing-friendship’ and that he has achieved knighthood, however even knights have families to return to.”  
  
  
In the light of the setting sun, Hide looked even redder than usual when he blushed ( _normally he was the colour of the chips in Kaneki’s dining room table, a pinkish tone, but today he looked more like the fire bell at school_ ). He hid his face in his hands, wailing,  
  
  
“MOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!”  
  
  
And receiving racous laughter in response ( _probably from his dad, his mom always felt bad when she flustered him_ ). Softly, Kaneki pried Hide’s hands away from his face and smiled at him with the full-force of his delight ( _he’d definitely tell_ ** _his_** _mom that they were super-special-amazing friends_ ).   
  
  
Hide gripped his hand and interlaced their fingers, whispering,  
  
  
“You’d better come back tomorrow after school! We have treasure to find.”  
  
  
Before pulling him into the water. Shrieking from the cold and ignoring Hide’s parents protests, the pair raced towards the house to get changed before Kaneki went home.   
  


~~~~~~

 

“And then, completely against the odds, the great knight managed to find the last remaining diamond in the mine! It was a glittering etheral white amongst the red stains left by his enemies, the spider-miners.”  
  
  
Sitting underneath a tree at recess and facing away from the commotion, Hide was struggling to maintain a straight face. Again and again he tried to fight away the upward curve of his lips ( _spider-miners…geez, he’d have to remember that one_ ) as he heard Kaneki regaling his classmates with the latest instalment of “Knights of Stone Realm XV”, the video game that all the kids in the class had picked up a few weeks ago ( _including himself_ ).   
  
  
Of course, Kaneki’s retelling had practically nothing to do with the actual game since he’d never played it, but the over-excited kids around him were supplying him with enough details ( _in the form of exuberant shouts of “AND THEN THE DRAGON-“ “THE KNIGHT WORE THIS GOLD ARMOUR!” etc_ ) to continue the tale to their satisfaction. The whole thing was heart-smashingly adorable ( _he was so glad he’d asked Kaneki to start “questing” with him. It had worked out even better than planned_ ).   
  
  
He reaaaaaally wanted to watch events unfolding with his own eyes ( _Kaneki always got all flushed when he was excited_ ), but he knew that the second he looked at Kaneki the cat would be out of the bag. He’d been friends with the shy-guy long enough to know that he wouldn’t take that well.   
  
  
Still…this was torture!!  
  
  
“Ken-kun, Ken-kun, what happens next?”  
  
  
“It hasn’t happened yet! I’ll tell you guys the next time I see the knight, ok?”  
  
  
Disappointed whines and groans floated into Hide’s ears and beneath them all he heard Kaneki’s mom-chuckle ( _the really fond noise Hide’s mother made when he tried to swipe cookies from the kitchen_ ).   
  
  
Unable to resist temptation any longer, Hide started to crane his neck to stare at Kaneki and his circle of storytime pals. The movement was aborted awkwardly however, when one of the girls piped up with something unexpected.  
  
  
“Ken-kun, can we come see the knight with you? Please? It’d be really fun if we could play together!”  
  
  
Noises of agreement passed from one person to the next. Hide remained perfectly still, forgetting to even breathe ( _would Kaneki go on quests with them instead? He didn’t want that. Or did he? He’d arranged this so Kaneki could make friends. But…he wanted them to be alone. But he wanted Kaneki to be happy. Argggghhhhh_ ). A beat of silence slipped by before he heard Kaneki humming in thought ( _please say no_ ).  


“Ah, I’m sorry Momo-chan. The knight is really shy about having an audience. The only reason I can watch everything is because I don’t have much presence, see? If he noticed us the story would be over!”  
  
  
“We could be realllllly quiet! He’d never even know we were there!”  
  
  
“Momo-chan, Ken-kun said no. My sister always says that no means no.”  
  
  
“But I want to hang out with Ken-Ken!”  
  


Hide’s heart was racing in his chest. He knew Kaneki was weak to begging ( _he used it all the time_ ) and the girl had changed tactics. He was still indecisive about what to do, though he could tell Kaneki’s resolve was crumbling ( _he was mumbling excuses really quietly to himself_ ).  
  
  
“Ken-ken, there’s a princess in the story right? I could be the princess!”  
  
  
“Momo-chan, you can’t just BE the princess. She already exists!”  
  
  
The argument that had started up between two of Kaneki’s listeners finally settled Hide’s mind.  
  
  
“Excuse me, everybody.”  
  
  
Hide began, scooting himself closer to the ring of children and his best friend ( _Kaneki’s eyes flashed gratefully at him and soothed his nervousness_ ).  
  
  
“Here’s the truth: Kaneki can’t let you come because he’s defending the princess’s honour.”  
  
  
Several surprised faces were now upturned towards him ( _and Momo’s friend whispered “told you so!”_ ). Hide gulped but kept layering on the charm, smiling bashfully and covering his face with his hands.  
  
  
“The princess would be really embarrassed if anyone found out who she was. She doesn’t need everybody figuring out she’s royalty. She’s supposed to attend school as a normal girl and all that…”  
  
  
He explained, slowly letting his voice trail off in “embarrassment” as he rubbed his cheeks, reddening them. Understanding was dawning on all of the children in the form of amused grins and contrite expressions.   
  
  
Since he was well-liked, nobody said too much, though a couple of friendly elbows dug into his ribs and one boy whispered,  
  
  
“Hideyoshi isn’t a good princess name, y’know. I think you’d make a good Camellia though.”  
  
  
The bell rang then, ushering them all to return indoors. The other kids scampered away as Kaneki sluggishly gathered his things ( _he’d started bringing a sketchpad to his story-time and his pictures weren’t even stick figures!_ ). Hide waited for him, because of course he did ( _duh!_ ).   
  
  
Once everyone else was out of earshot, Kaneki tugged gently on Hide’s sleeve, drawing his attention away from the clouds ( _he wasn’t really focused on them anyway_ ).  
  
  
“Thanks Hide. I just…I just thought that the bridge is ours. We built it. It wouldn’t be the same if it wasn’t just us.”  
  
  
Kaneki whispered, fingers curling into his sleeve tightly. Hide unwrapped them from his clothes and covered them with his hand instead, enraptured by the fluttery feeling that filled him and spilled over.  
  
  
“I thought the same thing! I wasn’t gonna stop you if you wanted to bring them along though, Kaneki! I’m happy if you’re happy!”  
  
  
He chirruped, actually believing his own words now ( _is this what his mom meant? In this moment, he felt like he’d do anything if it meant Kaneki was content_ ). Kaneki finally looked him full in the face and gripped his hand fiercely.  
  
  
“No! I like them, but you’re my best friend, Hide!! I was just worried you wouldn’t feel the same way and didn’t want to speak for you, so I was thinking of saying yes. You’re the one I want to play with.”  
  
  
The stubborn set of Kaneki’s mouth and the downward angle of his eyebrows said it all. He was 100% determined to just have Hide as his partner-in-crime ( _he’d longed for this, maybe, since he’d called Kaneki his best friend to his parents_ ). Riled up and full of delightful butterflies, Hide readied himself to tease Kaneki about his speech until he blushed, but his friend stole the words from him with a suddenly cheeky grin.   
  


“Still…I didn’t know you wanted to be my princess, Hide-chan.”  
  
  
( _Oh no…he was going to have to live up to that_ ).

 

~~~~~~  


 

  
After hours of searching, throwing things at Hide while he waited on the bridge, and getting more than one spider in his hair, Kaneki finally managed to uncover a rock shiny enough to be deemed a “diamond”.  
  
  
“Hide!! I got it!!!!”  
  
  
He yelled over his shoulder, twisting his torso to wave the glossy piece of quartz at his friend. Hide squinted from the bridge, appraising the stone sparkling in his hand before he beamed at him.  
  
  
“Hurry Kaneki, your princess needs you!”  
  
  
Hide cried out dramatically, rattling some of the twigs sticking out from the bridge as if they were bars in a cage.  


  
“Coming, darling!”  
  
  
Kaneki joked, trudging back through the mud and wincing at the squelching in his shoes. Finally reaching the bridge ( _and mumbling under his breath about how the princess should be in her castle, not pretending to be caged, to which Hide whispered “oops, I guess I’m just a really good damsel in distress, eh?”_ ), Kaneki knelt on one of the creaky plastic slats ( _they’d made this side of the bridge from a broken swing set_ ) and presented Hide with the diamond.  
  
  
“Why thank you, Sir Knight!” 

  
Hide squeaked out in a grating falsetto that reduced Kaneki to tears ( _he_ ** _almost_** _wished he’d let the other kids come along_ ). While he was trying to regain his breath, Kaneki saw a mischievous glint enter Hide’s eyes.  
  
  
“In exchange for you selflessly saving my life, Sir Knight, I offer you my hand in marriage.”  
  
  
He proposed snootily, extending his hand like the evil queen in a fairy tale. Understanding and amused, Kaneki brushed his lips over Hide’s knuckles and remained silent, waiting for his friend to continue his spiel.  
  
  
“This is quite the good deal, I think. Marrying into royalty will allow you to increase your socio-economic status. Surely that is worth about as much as a single diamond?”  
  
  
Hide queried, lightly fanning himself with his kissed hand ( _ahahaha, only Hide would ever be able to build on his stories like this. He’d even managed to grasp a central theme that Kaneki had borrowed from some classical literature earlier_ ). Squashing his chuckles, Kaneki remained in his kneeling position, eying Hide playfully.  
  
  
“Indeed, that does seem quite the deal, though you aren’t the most attractive princess I’ve met.”

  
He stoically ignored Hide’s offended huff, chiding him with,  
  
  
“However, this deal seems better for me than for the dragon. Wouldn’t it be jealous?”  
  


Hide’s visage shifted from haughty to ferocious and he let out a roar, crawling on his hands and knees over the bridge towards Kaneki ( _he probably would look scary to someone else, but not to Kaneki_ ).  
  
  
“Grrrrrrr, that’s right! As royalty I could have unlimited diamonds! I’ll fight you to the death, Sir Knight!”

  
Giggling, Kaneki fled the bridge in search of a weapon as Hide ran after him, calling out to him as both the princess and the dragon. Grabbing onto a pliable green stick, Kaneki whirled to face Hide, nearly tripping in the process.   
  
  
Hide rushed in, extending his fingers to tickle Kaneki’s sides.  
  
  
“ROOOOOAAARRRRRR I am tearing through your armour with my super-sharp claws!”  
  
  
“NoOOo… Hahhahah… No you aren’t, nerd! Stop-stooo- stop tickling me!”  
  
  
“Better fight back soon, Sir Knight, or I’ll eat you whole!”  
  
  
“Don’t BITE MY HEAD!”  
  
  
Flailing helplessly with the stick in his grip, Kaneki eventually whacked Hide over the head ( _harshly, since the stick whistled during the downswing_ ). His friend blinked comically, pausing in his attack to rub at his head ( _oh no oh no, he was really sorry, oh man he’d hurt him_ ).   
  
  
Suddenly, Hide flopped onto his back, crossing his arms over his chest and letting his tongue loll out of his mouth.  
  
  
“Oh dear, I suppose this is the end of me.”  
  
  
Hide whispered in his “royal” tone. Peals of relieved laughter escaped Kaneki and he clutched at his stomach.  
  
  
“Oh nooo~ the princess is dead!”  
  
  
He cried out,  
  
  
“Whatever shall I do about the wedding? I’d arranged for a minister and everything.”  
  
  
Hide cracked open a single watering eye ( _from trying not to laugh or from pain?_ ) and flatly stated,  
  
  
“Guess you’ll have to marry the dragon instead.”

 

  
~~~~~~  


 

Time never seemed to move slowly enough, and soon the sun had nearly set, turning the water to liquid gold and bringing a cold breeze to brush across Hide’s damp hair. He could hear his parents approaching the lip of the ravine and rolled himself over to stare at Kaneki.   
  
  
When they made eye contact, Hide tried to telepathically communicate the list of excuses they were going to use today so that Kaneki wouldn’t have to go home yet. Kaneki nodded jerkily, pressing his fingertips into his mouth to stop himself from tittering. They both crept to their feet, edging towards the little “hiding spot” ( _a roll of sod from Hide’s lawn balanced atop a couple of sticks_ ) that they had built just for this ( _well, the sod had originally been for the the dragon’s wedding dress, but they had built the actual shelter to hide from Hide’s parents_ ).   
  
  
The hideaway was an emergency measure Hide had thought of after his parents threatened to just pick him and Kaneki up and carry them back into the house the next time they stalled ( _they’d brought this up to him after Kaneki had left and Hide had continued to whine about him "leaving early"_ ). Snickering and muddy, the two of them huddled beneath the suspiciously shaped grass lump and listened to Hide’s parents pause at the top of the hill.  
  
  
“Hide? Kaneki? Where did you go?”  
  
  
Hide’s mother’s soft voice called out. For several minutes, Kaneki and himself remained silent, keeping an ear out for the shuffling of his parents searching for them.  
  
  
“Hide and Kaneki. I know you are somewhere out here. Come out.”  
  
  
Eep, it was Hide’s dad now and that was his “I’m getting mad”voice. Hide caught Kaneki’s wide nervous eyes in the darkness and pressed his hand ( _covered in dirt_ ) over his mouth, urging Kaneki to stay quiet.  
  
  
“HIDE. You can’t just do this every single time. Kaneki’s mother will be worried and you are being selfish.”  
  
  
Kaneki’s breath was coming hot and fast against his palm now. Hide could see that his friend was completely ready to dive out of their hideout, consequences or no consequences. Still, he pressed his forehead against Kaneki’s in an effort to calm him down and keep him there ( _their quest was done and he knew Kaneki would be over again, but today had been so much fun and he liked him a lot, arrggggh, it felt like he’d never have another day as good as this ever again_ ).   
  
  
It must’ve worked, because Kaneki stopped struggling and both of them waited in silence for Hide’s parents to give up. His mother was trying to get his father to relax and there was an argument too quiet for them to hear. Finally, after a few more minutes passed, Hide’s mother spoke up directly outside of their hideout.  


“Alright boys, you win. I’ll call Kaneki’s mother and ask if he can sleep over tonight. I’ll ONLY do this, however, if you stop running off every time Kaneki needs to go home, ok?”  
  
  
Hide gazed at Kaneki, waiting to see if he’d accept or not ( _please say yes!_ ). Tentatively, Kaneki nodded at him and they both hurriedly crawled out of their shelter. 

  
  
~~~~~~

 

“Have you had enough to eat, Kaneki?”  
  
  
“Did we give you enough blankets?”  
  
  
“Don’t stay up too late, boys.”  
  
  
“If there’s anything you need, just say the word.”  
  
  
“Breakfast will be waiting for you in the morning - I hope you like pancakes!”  
  
  
“Oh, Kaneki! We have an extra toothbrush laying around. OH! It hasn’t been used, I promise!”  
  
  
Hide’s parents had doted on Kaneki from the moment he came inside ( _whispering a polite “excuse me for intruding” and awkwardly trying to scuff the mud from the floor with his socks_ ) to the second they’d settled into bed. Throughout it all, Kaneki had stuttered and struggled to maintain eye contact, ultimately picking at his nails and simply nodding at everything they said.   
  
  
Hide had scrutinized him, watching his friend get quieter and quieter, then had shooed his parents from the room when he deemed him overwhelmed. Currently, they were sitting inside a blanket fort on Hide’s bed and Kaneki was still focusing on his hands.  
  
  
“Kaneki…are you ok? I’m sorry if my mom and dad were too pushy. I’m sorry that you had to sleep over because of me. It’s ok if you want to go home…”  
  
  
Hide didn’t actually want Kaneki to leave ( _not ever_ ), but he felt even worse seeing his friend unresponsive and possibly upset. Hide tried very hard to not wring his hands while he waited for Kaneki to acknowledge him.  
  
  
“Huh? What…? Sorry Hide, I wasn’t listening.”  
  
  
Well, now he felt even more like crying.  
  
  
“I’m SORRY!”  
  
  
Hide burst out, throwing his arms around Kaneki and collapsing the fort. Kaneki wriggled around and managed to toss the blankets off of their heads, though Hide didn’t release him even once.  
  
  
“Hide, what? Why are you sorry? I’m sorry! I did something, didn’t I? I’m sorry!”  
  
  
Kaneki was apologizing hurriedly, fluttering his hands over Hide’s back like he didn’t know what to do with them.  
  
  
“You weren’t talking and I’m sorry my parents are right and I’m really selfish and you didn’t want to sleep over and I made you and now you’re upset and and and-“  
  
  
Hands pushed him back and off of Kaneki, forcing him to look at his face. Hide knew he looked a bit hysterical and tried fervently to wipe his eyes and school his expression into something neutral before he made Kaneki feel guilty.  
  
  
Surprisingly, he had to rub his eyes again when he saw Kaneki was smiling at him ( _not the “I’m really sorry” or “don’t feel bad” smile either_ ).  
  


“Hide…”  
  
  
Kaneki began, his voice all warm and soft like blankets out of the dryer.  
  
  
“I zoned out cause I was really happy. I…uh…”  
  
  
He turned a bit pink and scratched at the end of his nose.  
  
  
“My mom is really busy. I haven’t been given this much attention before. I **_really_** like your parents.”  


Hide sniffled a little, analyzing Kaneki’s expression to make sure he was telling the truth ( _he was, and Hide privately decided that he hated Kaneki’s mom because of it_ ).  
  
  
“Ok. Uhm…sorry I nearly cried. I won’t doubt you again.”  
  
  
He muttered in apology, touching Kaneki’s shoulder lightly in a placating gesture. His friend’s lips just kept that really nice ( _maternal_ ) smile, however, and Kaneki didn’t have to do anything else to let him know it was ok.  
  
  
“You wanna read a book?”  
  
  
Hide asked. Kaneki hummed in affirmation and the two of them settled down for the night. 

  
  
~~~~~~  
  


  
Early the next morning, Hide awoke to the scent of buttery pancakes being prepared. He thought about waking up Kaneki and sprinting to breakfast ( _his stomach rumbled loudly_ ), but when he looked at his face, Hide thought of something else ( _“I’m not used to this much attention”_ ).   
  
  
So, instead of stirring Kaneki from his slumber, Hide padded into the kitchen where his mother was cooking. They exchanged lazy “good morning” greetings and Hide took a seat at the table, mulling over what he wanted to say.  
  
  
“Mom.”  
  
  
He called out from his seat, causing her to tilt her head ( _she was listening_ ).  
  
  
“Can Kaneki come live with us?”  
  
  
His mother dissolved into a fit of giggles and Hide regarded her with confusion ( _he was being serious_ ).  
  
  
“Mom?”  
  
  
“Sorry, Hide, honey. It’s just…ah you’re such a demanding child. No, Kaneki can’t live with us. He lives with his mom. It’s sweet that you like him so much though.”  
  
  
For the first time in his young life, Hide felt a darkness stirring in his heart ( _did she think he would ask as a joke?_ ). Still, he knew how this would play out now. Carefully erasing the anger from his face, Hide smoothed his expression into childish disappointment.  
  
  
“Ok mom…can I have syrup with my pancakes?”

  
  
~~~~~~

  
  
Right before Kaneki’s mother arrived, Hide was helping him pack his things. The shadowy feeling from the morning was lingering over his skin and it made Hide feel like he shouldn’t touch his friend. He wanted to give Kaneki a hug goodbye though, and so he made an effort to get rid of it. It held fast however, growing darker instead of fading.   
  
  
Soon, Kaneki caught sight of his troubled expression and cocked his head to the side ( _he was listening_ ).  
  
  
“Kaneki…do you love your mom a lot?”  
  
  
He wanted to know ( _he had to know_ ). His friend looked startled and rubbed at his chin uncomfortably before answering.  
  
  
“Yeah, I do. I’m really happy at home, really!”  
  
  
Kaneki tittered a bit, turning away quickly and packing his things a little faster. Hide had the impression that he wasn’t telling the whole truth, but it wasn’t entirely a lie either. Satisfied with the answer ( ** _for now_** ), Hide decided to let it drop and slung his arm around his friend’s shoulders ( _instead of going for the full hug…he still felt a little off_ ).   
  
  
He’d get better at reading Kaneki in the future, and then he’d ask again. Today though…if Kaneki was happy, he was happy.

 


	3. Carnation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carnations are commonly given as a sign of fascination and platonic love. 
> 
> Note: The play they are acting out is "The Happy Prince" by Oscar Wilde. The "sonnet thing" is WIlliam Shakespeare's "On this Bittersweet Life".

“I am glad you are going to Egypt at last, little Swallow, for you have stayed far too long here. But please, do not kiss my hand like we are not equals. Kiss me on the forehead, for I love you just as well.”  
  
  
Kaneki intoned passionately, sweeping his hands out towards the audience watching the 6th grade's school play. Hide watched from behind the scenes as Shizuka, a confident and demanding girl from their class, placed a wet kiss on Kaneki’s forehead with an exaggerated pop.  
  
  
“It is not to Egypt that I am going. I am going to the house of Death, Happy Prince. The winter’s cold has taken me at last.”  
  
  
Shizuka let her body tumble to the pedestal at Kaneki’s feet ( _placed there to indicate that he was a statue since he kept moving around_ ). Cries of dismay ( _and several heavy coughs_ ) sounded from the audience and Hide saw a satisfied smile appear on Shizuka’s face ( _you’re supposed to be playing dead, not grinning to yourself…_ ) and shifted his focus to Kaneki just as a loud crack ( _like a slamming door_ ) sounded through the room and his friend clutched at his chest.   
  
  
Anxiety clawed at his throat when Kaneki made a face that looked like he was genuinely in pain, even though Hide knew that it was the expression Kaneki was meant to make in this scene. He nearly stepped out from the wings, when the voice of the narrator startled him.  
  
  
“A curious crack sounded inside of the statue, as if something had broken. In fact, the Happy Prince’s leaden heart had snapped clean in two.”  
  
  
The curtain was drawn for a brief scene change and it was Hide’s turn to move out ( _he was playing the callous mayor_ ). He hesitated to get ready however, when Kaneki’s expression remained deeply sorrowful.

  
“Kaneki?”  
  
  
He asked in a hushed tone, trying not to draw attention to his friend fixed standing on the pedestal. Instantly, as if his previous expression were a mirage, Kaneki smiled at him and beckoned him over. Hide stood with Kaneki, side-by-side, as his friend adjusted his mayoral beard.   
  
  
Hide’s gaze flitted over every part of Kaneki’s face, looking for any last vestige of the sadness momentarily seated there.  
  
  
“Are you ok, ‘Neki?”  
  


He queried ( _even though his best pal looked completely normal_ ). Laughing lightly, Kaneki inclined his head to Hide and scuffed his jaw against his shoulder like he had an itch, glancing away for a second.  
  
  
“Everything is fine. You’re up next!”  
  
  
Kaneki clapped him on the shoulder and disappeared from his sight. A slight sense of wrongness settled where Kaneki’s hand had been and Hide shivered a bit unconsciously. Usually Kaneki was an open book, but today something was different ( _ **he couldn’t tell if he was lying**_ ).   
  
  
He’d have to find out more about it later, since the curtains were about to open and he had to get into place ( _he was intrigued…and afraid_ ).

 

~~~~~

 

“Heyooooo, wanna walk home together? The teacher told me your mom had to go home early since she was sick.”  
  
  
Kaneki eyes widened a fraction ( _so he hadn’t noticed_ ) before his head tilted down and his bangs obscured his face.  
  
  
“She kept coughing during the play. I’m sure she just didn’t want to interrupt. I don’t mind.”  
  
  
His voice had a strange quality to it, but when Kaneki met Hide’s eyes his visage was completely placid. Hide was curious about Kaneki’s response. It was rather out of character. Though his friend always said things were fine, Hide knew he had really been looking forward to his mother coming to the play ( _he’d worked so hard on his part_ ). He wanted to say something, however the same **_wrongness_** from earlier struck him hard.  
  
  
Kaneki blabbed on about the themes of the play and how even he was scared by Shizuka’s sudden “death”, rambling until they approached the park they usually separated at.  
  


With Kaneki finally quiet, Hide stared intently into his eyes, trying to figure out what was so different. Finally, he saw it. A little glimmer of guilt that smudged with the sadness he simply ** _knew_** was there.

  
“Why don’t you look as upset as you actually are?”  


Hide inquired. Unexpectedly, a bolt of unadulterated terror seemed to pass through Kaneki ( _his jaw tensed, his shoulders hunched, and he flinched away_ ) before he burst into tears.  
  
  
“Wh- what?”  
  
  
Hide stuttered, stepping closer to Kaneki before hurriedly stepping back, trying to give him space. Kaneki’s wailing got louder at that however, causing Hide to hurriedly step forward and take his hand, pulling his best friend towards the park.   
  
  
There weren’t many people left on the streets, but those who remained stared at Kaneki and seemed judgemental to Hide ( _he glared a much older man into submission even as he shoved Kaneki into a plastic play tunnel_ ). Safely hidden away, Hide began rubbing Kaneki’s hands, trying to soothe him.  
  
  
“I’m so-so-sorry, Hide!”  
  
  
Kaneki sobbed, yanking his hands back and covering his face ( _Hide's heart hurt_ ). Hide was…completely baffled. Whatever had just transpired completely escaped him ( _he knew Kaneki was upset, but why was he hysterical?_ ).  
  
  
“Kan-“  
  
  
“I made you sad! I wasn’t trying to lie to you! I just didn’t want anyone to be sad and now you’re sad and my mom is sa-“  
  
  
“Woah, woah, woah. Ok. Deep breaths. Slow down.”  
  
  
Hide burst in, trying to stem the tide of apologies.  
  
  
“I’m sorry…I shouldn’t always be bringing everyone down…I’m sor-”

  
At that Hide decided Kaneki wasn’t going to let Kaneki finish another apology **_ever again_**. He cut his friend off with a tight hug ( _well, as tight as he could make it within the cramped confines of the tunnel_ ) and Kaneki startled. His tears turned to hiccups and Hide could feel him shaking in against his body.   
  
  
He wasn’t really sure why Kaneki was always so hard on himself or why he cared so much about other people’s feelings ( _even when they didn’t affect him!_ ) and so he had no idea what to do.  
  
  
“Why do you think you need to pretend?”

   
He whispered into the hiccuping boy’s ear, flinching a bit with how loudly his quiet voice echoed off of the tunnel's rounded surface. 

  
“Everyone makes this face…whenever I’m not happy. It looks guilty. Or sad. I’m being a burden because I’m never as happy as everyone else.”  
  
  
Hide nearly hissed at the last comment, reeling the reaction back before it could slip through his lips ( _it stung, it really stung that he couldn’t make Kaneki's life better_ ). If he said the wrong thing next…Hide suspected Kaneki would never open up to him again.

  
He chewed his lip, mulling over his options. Telling him that it was ok to be honest seemed like he was pushing the blame to Kaneki, however the situation was clearly other people’s fault ( _who the hell made a soft kid like Kaneki feel like a burden? Oh right - the woman he couldn’t stand_ ). Hide had never been in a situation like this before ( _he used his emotions like weapons, intentionally provoking reactions_ ). He couldn’t really understand how Kaneki truly felt.  
  
  
Suddenly, an idea came to him.

   
“Pretend to be happy for me, right now.”

  
He ordered, pulling away from the embrace and staring at Kaneki intently. His companion blinked owlishly, eyes red from tears, then looked absolutely crushed as he comprehended what his best friend had said ( _his heart **ached**_ ). Even so, Hide continued looking at him, waiting.   
  
  
Piece by piece, Kaneki pulled his shattered expression into a stage grin ( _less believable than it had been before, but it would do_ ). Hide analyzed it, taking every detail into account ( _his ears didn’t lift up, his eyebrows stayed down, his jaw looked tight_ ) before closing his eyes and committing it to memory.  
  
  
“Pretend to be embarrassed.”  
  
  
This time Kaneki looked surprised for only a few seconds before he made the right face ( _no blush, he’s chewing his nails_ ).  
  
  
“Pretend to be angry.”  
  
  
“Pretend to be sad.”  
  
  
“Pretend to be telling the truth while lying.”  
  
  
“Pretend to be scared.”  
  
  
Kaneki’s expressions shifted immediately in response to his orders by the last one. Hide was a bit disturbed that the faces came to look so natural ( _Kaneki must’ve gotten some ideas from the play, but they’d only been practicing for a few months_ ), however he ignored the squirming in his gut to try to take a picture of each one in his head.  
  
  
“There we go, buddy. I know all of your fake-faces. I’ll always know what you’re feeling from now on, so it’s ok to pretend."  
  


This time Hide wasn’t surprised when Kaneki started crying. He could sense the waterworks coming ( _it made him both proud and melancholy_ ) and squeezed Kaneki’s shoulder lightly.  
  
  
“You’re still upset!”  
  
  
Kaneki exclaimed. Sagely, Hide nodded his head, cringing when the weeping escalated in volume and rang around his head.

  
“I am, but I’m kinda psyched that you trusted me with this, too. It’s like in the sonnet thing by that famous guy, the one you showed me awhile back? It’s bittersweet.”  
  
  
He murmured, trying out the word himself for the first time. He found that it fit the ache in his chest, how he felt unfulfilled but content, how he wanted to cry a bit too ( _maybe…he kind of understood how Kaneki thought after all_ ).

  
“I think that I just like being with you, no matter what. Even if you were being angry or rude or selfish, I think I’d still want to see you. I don’t feel right anymore when you aren’t around.”  
  
  
Hide confided in his friend, embarrassment flying to the wind when Kaneki’s wetly glittering grey eyes rose to meet his.  
  
  
“Do you mean it?”  
  
  
He asked, peering at him almost suspiciously. Hide smiled, resting his head on Kaneki’s drawn-up knees.  
  
  
“Yeah. It’d be really nice if I could make you happy for real, though.”

  
  
~~~~~

 

After that, Hide had shut his eyes and listened to Kaneki spill everything that was on his mind. He’d explained that he had really wanted his mother to stay, just once, but she always left and he was always alone at home. He’d ranted about how much he wanted to speak to her and see her. About how lonely he was.   
  
  
Eventually, he’d run out of steam and they’d crawled out onto the slides. Now they sat in a companionable silence, Hide still holding Kaneki’s hand with a grip that said “I’m here”. All the night’s traffic had already passed by and the world was creeping into a sleepy silence ( _Hide was vaguely aware that his parents were probably panicking at home_ ).  
  
  
“Hey…”  
  
  
He said, tightening his fingers around Kaneki’s.  
  
  
“If you ever need me, just call me. I’ll come straight here.”  
  
  
He promised, suddenly filled with the urge to not let the night end ( _but he wasn’t 8 anymore and hiding out at the park wasn’t an option_ ). He felt Kaneki focus on him, but refused to turn away from his contemplation of the darkening sky.  
  
  
“What if I just cry again?”  
  
  
He queried with a raspy voice ( _good, Hide hoped he went home to his mom with that voice_ ).  
  
  
“That’s alright.”  
  
  
He stated, feeling a tiny grin tugging at his mouth ( _somehow, he knew Kaneki was beaming right back at him_ ). All he could hear was their breathing and the twittering of some lonely birds. Minutes passed and he could see the first signs of the stars before Kaneki finally pulled him to his feet.  
  
  
“Hide.”  
  
  
Kaneki implored, nudging Hide to face him. He obeyed, finding himself on the receiving end of a determined look ( _and a hero’s charismatic smile_ ) that he’d never seen on his friend before.  
  
  
“If you ever call me, I’ll be here. Even if bullies come for you, or monsters, or some crazy guy, I’ll save you. Count on me, ok?”   
  


They stared at each other, faces lighting up at the exact same time.   
  
  
“Of course, ‘Neki. You always be my knight.”  
  
  
“Race me home?”  
  
  
“You’re on!”  
  
  
They sprinted away from the park, guffaws robbing them of their breath as they ran, leaving the night’s problems behind them. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PS. I know that Kaneki's mom was supposed to kick the bucket when he was 10, but I couldn't bring myself to do that.


	4. Cherry Blossom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cherry blossoms are symbolic of a kind and gentle nature.

A knitting needle impaled itself into Kaneki’s wall, vibrating with the force with which it was thrown. Kaneki groaned quietly, slapping his cheeks repeatedly and trying to think of a way to cover up the hole that would leave in the drywall.  
  
  
It was Hide’s 12th birthday and he’s been trying to knit him a scarf for **_weeks_**. He’d read knitting books ( _which always inspired dumb comments from librarians_ ), tried to slip into a crocheting class ( _since everyone else was about 50, he’d been noticed immediately_ ), he’d practiced until he got blisters ( _which had been hard to explain to Hide_ ), and then he’d googled it about 30 times.  
  


Yarn was all over his room and the scarf in his hands looked awful yet again. Part of him had enjoyed attempting to learn. It was a distraction from…other things ( _his mother’s cough never left and the fact that the house smelled strongly of funeral flowers_ ). Most of him wanted to rip the scarf to shreds though.  
  
  
Kaneki stood, wondering if he should try to make himself breakfast and buy another gift. He hadn’t realized how tangled the yarn on the ground was however, and managed to intertwine it with his legs, knocking over his nightstand and shattering his lamp on the floor.  
  
  
“Ken?”  
  
  
His mother’s lilting voice floated up the stairs, full of concern over the crashing in her son’s room. He held his breath as he heard her padding towards him. It was the first time she’d turned away from her work since he began this little project ( _he’d kindof hoped she’d notice the coloured fluff stuck to every fabric surface. Sadly, she never did_ ).  
  
  
“Honey, what’s wrong?”  
  
  
She asked, standing in his doorway and mildly eying the knitting needle in the wall. Kaneki felt the tension melting out of his shoulders and voiced his problem.  
  
  
“I’m trying to make Hide a scarf for his birthday since he lost his awhile ago, but I can’t get it to work. I don’t know why I can’t do it.”  
  
  
He pouted, glaring at the scarf on the floor ( _though most of his ire died off the moment his gentle mother sat on his bed_ ). Her face brightened ( _all her late nights seemingly falling away_ ).  
  
  
“How exciting! I used to love knitting and I think that I’m quite good.”   
  


She clapped her shaky hands together like a schoolgirl, rushing off the bed to pull the knitting tool out of his bedroom wall. Kaneki was absolutely dumbstruck ( _this was the luckiest day of his life!_ ).  
  
  
“Could you draw me what you wanted? We can do it together.”  
  
  
It might’ve been Hide’s birthday, however it looked like today was going to be special for Kaneki as well.

  
~~~~~

 

The final product was the same shade of violet-blue as the sky at dawn. A pattern of bright yellow and white dandelions was staggered over the entire length of fabric. A gaudy orange fringe fluttered at the ends, completing the image that Kaneki had planned out so meticulously in his mind. 

  
Kaneki hummed delightedly to himself as he wedged the scarf into his backpack. When he’d tucked it away, the vibrant colours had practically lit up the bag’s interior ( _it was hideous…Hide would love it_ ). He spun to face his mother and give her a goodbye hug, but his phone started buzzing in his pocket.  
  
  
She gestured for him to answer, softly smiling at him to say that she would wait.  
  
  
-Text- 

  
come ovr rite now!! i just woke up but i got a kitn and we gota name it! (=ↀωↀ=)✧  
  


Kaneki stared at his phone, confidence draining ( _Hide had always wanted a cat. Oh man, his gift was really small in comparison_ ). He looked up, meeting his mother’s placid eyes.  
  
  
“Mom…what if he doesn’t like it?”  
  
  
She frowned a little, tapping her lip in thought.  
  
  
“Work done with your own two hands has an immeasurable value. Whatever else he got, it doesn’t matter. He’ll treasure what you give him, Ken, because you made it just for him.”  
  
  
“But mom, he got a kitten!”  
  
  
Kaneki whined. He found her advice hard to believe. Now his mother arched a delicate brow at him, coughing gently into her hand. She pointed at a piece of paper pinned to Kaneki’s wall and silently waited for him to gaze upon it.  
  
  
It was a picture of a robot ( _a really terrible robot_ ) fighting some kind of squid monster on what looked like a cross between a boat and a plane. It was something Hide had drawn for him when he was trying to describe a movie scene to Kaneki.  
  
  
There were more detailed parts of it that Kaneki himself had drawn, guided by Hide’s frustration ( _“omigosh Kaneki, why can’t you tell that they are in a city?” “I thought they were on the water…cause that’s a squid…right?” “…it’s a giant lizard.”_ ). Since they had done it together, Hide had called it “art” and demanded that Kaneki take it home.  
  
  
Startled, he stared at his mother ( _how had she known how he’d gotten it?_ ).  
  
  
“It’s important to you, right?”  
  
  
She asked, eyebrows still lifted while she waited for him to get the point. Kaneki sighed, defeated ( _but extremely pleased_ ), and accepted her words.  
  
  
“Ok, he’ll probably like it. Thanks mom.”

 

-Text-

  
so slo (ↀДↀ)⁼³₌₃ the kitty is gona run away if u dnt com kaneko! (✦థ ｪ థ)

  
~~~~~

 

The kitten was a ragdoll with wide blue eyes, an affectionate personality, and no name. It had taken a liking to Kaneki only an hour after his arrival ( _probably because he was quiet_ ) and was currently sleeping in the stomach pocket of his pullover hoodie. He was trying very hard not to move and disturb it, causing him to lose round after round of Mario Kart ( _he’d always been the kind of driver who bent his body the way he wanted to turn_ ).  
  
  
Unable to take the suspense any longer ( _he could see the edge of the scarf in his bag, taunting him_ ), Kaneki finally spoke up when he fell off Rainbow Road.  
  
  
“Hey Hide, I uh…I got you something. Made you something. A gift.”  
  
  
His voice was jittery and he flapped his hand uselessly at his bag, unable to get up when sharp kitten claws kneading his stomach reminded him of his passenger.  
  
  
“It’s in my bag.”  
  
  
Hide began grinning like he’d lost his mind and he stood in a rush. His controller toppled to the ground and he began to bounce up and down in excitement.  
  
  
“I knew you got me something! You were making the I-am-totally-calm-right-now-really face~ What is it? What iiiisssssss it? Can I open it now?”  
  
  
He chattered, reaching out to shake Kaneki’s shoulders. Kaneki swatted his hand away, gesturing to his pocket where a grumbling noise resounded.  
  
  
“You look like a mama kangaroo. Kaneki-roo, heh heh.”  
  
  
Hide snickered, causing Kaneki to laugh too. The kitten’s head emerged from Kaneki’s hoodie and it sent its owner a baleful look before wandering off to his bed.  
  
  
“Ne, ne, you can give me your present now, right?”  
  
  
“You could’ve just gotten it yourself.”  
  
  
Kaneki complained, heaving himself to his feet and stretching his cramped muscles.  
  
  
“It wouldn’t have been the same!”  
  
  
Hide whined,  
  
  
“I wanna see you GIVE me the present! Otherwise it doesn’t feel like one!”  
  
  
Kaneki sighed and gathered his bag into his hands. He tried to will away the blush creeping up his neck, but the ecstatic look on Hide’s face kept bringing it back.  
  
  
“Uhm…this…is, uh, for you.”  
  
  
He stumbled over his words, suddenly thrusting the brilliantly coloured scarf into his friend’s hands. 

  
  
-POV Change-

 

Hide ran his fingertips across the bumpy, uneven, tiny stitches outlining the characters of his and Kaneki’s names on the ends of the scarf reverently. He traced the the neatly done dandelions running up the side ( _they reminded him of how he first met Kaneki and how Kaneki had once mentioned that they made him think of Hide because they were sturdy, bright, and everywhere in the summer_ ).  
  
  
He felt an ache in his jaw from how deliriously he was smiling. Hide's heart squeezed painfully hard as he drunk in every personal detail of the gift ( _something Kaneki would NEVER give anyone else because he was terrified of rejection or revealing all of his thoughts, which this gift was full of, and Hide was the only one he’d trust this much_ ).  
  
  
“Kaneki…”  
  
  
He murmured, thoroughly embarrassed when his voice cracked ( _he was really touched, ok?_ ). His best friend’s face was completely scarlet and he wouldn’t meet his eyes.  
  
  
“I love it. You’ve outclassed all my gifts to you SO BADLY.”  
  
  
He finished, upping his enthusiasm to fluster Kaneki further.  
  
  
“Now I need to make things up to you! Hey Kaneko, the little kitty over there likes you best, so why don’t you name her?”  
  
  
Kaneki’s eyes widened comically and Hide felt his face-splitting grin somehow grow even wider.  
  
  
“Can I really?”  
  
  
He asked excitedly, looking unsure.  
  
  
“Of course you can! I mean, there’s no way I’ll ever be able to make you a scarf as cool as this one in return, so this is the best I can do. Also, I was considering naming her Robocop, though she scratched me when I brought it up.”  
  
  
Hide jovially replied, gesturing to his wounded finger ( _he had waited to name her, actually. This had always been his intention. It made it feel like his pet belonged to Kaneki too_ ). Kaneki’s soft chuckles rang in his very soul and his friend shook his head in half-hearted disapproval.  
  
  
“She looks like a Tabatha.”  
  
  
Kaneki stated fondly.  
  
  
“Mmm, she does. Tabatha it is, though I might try calling her Kaneko from time to time.”  
  
  
“Hide, don’t confuse her like that. Also, stop giving me animal names.”  
  
  
They sat back down on Hide’s bed, too-long scarf curled around Hide’s neck ( _“it’s not even cold in here Hide, take it off!”_ ) and newly-christened kitten between them. Hours of video games, stories, secrets, and birthday games passed and Hide never stopped smiling.  
  
  
His parents exchanged amused looks whenever they laid eyes on him, knowing that his soft-spot for Kaneki ran a mile wide. It didn’t matter to him what other people thought anyway.  
  
  
**_He was going to wear this hideous scarf for years._**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ((((In light of recent events in :Re, I was wrong about Kaneki's relationship with his mother. While this chapter notes that someone can abuse you and still love you, what is written here has no intention of minimizing physical abuse. I had no idea at the time this was written that Kaneki's mother beat him. That's why it isn't mentioned here in this story. I might change some things and add it in at a later date, however for now just know I'm not trying to gloss over it))))


	5. Daisy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daisies are symbolic of faith. When I was a child, we used to give them to someone to solidify a friendship.
> 
> Nothing can stop Hideyoshi Nagachika.
> 
> Warning: Mild violence, bullying mentions, the yandere kicks it up a notch.

Every single time Hide had exited the classroom that day, he had returned to find Kaneki with pinched lips and eyebrows coupled with something missing from his desk. The first things to go had been small. Kaneki’s pencil would be missing, then a worksheet, his erasers, or something similar.   
  
  
By the end of last period however, Hide noticed that the novel Kaneki had been reading ( _not really…his bookmark never moved_ ) all afternoon was gone.  
  
  
Unlike the other items, Hide was sure the book had been taken and wasn’t in Kaneki’s bag ( _it was always overstuffed and Kaneki carried his books in his hands to prevent denting_ ). He was frozen in the classroom’s doorway, eyes locked onto the vulnerable expression on his friend’s face.   
  
  
Since he was shy and small, Kaneki had always been bullied a little. Hide had buffered the teasing by putting a positive spin on it and anyone who had taken anything from Kaneki before had been written off as unimportant. Those kinds of things had never bothered Kaneki much before.  
  


Now though…something had been bothering his best friend for a few days and, much to Hide’s horror, it had shown up enough in his expression that **_low-lives_** had taken advantage of it. Worse, they had **_put thought into it_** ( _he had been called into the hall far too many times today for it to be a coincidence_ ).   
  
  
Shaking himself out of his stupor before Kaneki noticed, Hide made long strides into the room, cutting through the distance between himself and his friend. On the way he noticed somebody’s backpack bulging in an odd way and he stared the seat-owner right in the face.  
  
  
The twelve-year-old shook like a leaf and Hide breezed past him, job accomplished. Kaneki caught the exchange and smiled at him hesitantly, warming the frigidity he had felt creeping into him. He suspected there was something going on with Kaneki and he was prepared to wait for an answer.   
  
  
Unlike the other **_scum_** in the room, Hide knew his pal would willingly share his weakness with him eventually. 

 

~~~~~~

 

Time continued to pass and Hide still wasn’t sure what was going on with Kaneki. To be fair, he hadn’t seen his friend in two days since the boy had called in sick. Their phone conversations were beginning to make Hide doubt his decision to be patient however. It felt like Kaneki was sinking into himself and disappearing.   
  
  
Following hanging up the phone last night ( _after_ _extracting a promise from Kaneki to come to class_ ), discomfort had roiled through Hide’s stomach and made him squirm in his seat. **_He couldn’t tell what Kaneki was thinking_**. It creeped him out to the max.   
  
  
This problem had only arisen once in the past and Hide had dealt with it swiftly ( _he had been sure it would never come up again_ ). He felt like he had to see the other boy’s face. He needed the opportunity to observe his body language, figure out what was really going on. His heart skipped a beat however, when unbidden thoughts began to float to the surface of his mind ( _what if he still couldn’t tell? Kaneki’s voice had always been enough. What if the secret was really bad? He couldn’t fail his friend_ ).  
  
  
Twitching in fear, Hide stiffly stood and commandeered his family computer. There was an itch under his skin that could only be soothed by research ( _thank goodness it was a Sunday. His parents wouldn’t be back from dinner anytime soon_ ). Hide grinned at the websites he was pulling up, wondering if the psychologists and con artists publishing these articles knew a child would be using them.  
  
  
As he feverishly began to read, a funny idea struck him. He could recognize that he’d always been manipulative, but with some extra people-reading skills, he wondered what he could be capable of ( _if he could correct some… **bad behaviour**_ ). 

 

~~~~~~

 

A full night of studying micro-expressions and interrogation techniques wasn’t nearly enough to unravel whatever was going on in Kaneki’s head. His friend was paper-pale, looked weaker than ever, and carried with him the distinct aura of defeat. The reasoning behind it all was a total mystery and Hide was completely sure he was the only one who cared to find out.   
  
  
Though Kaneki had many friends in elementary ( _courtesy of his story-telling and his ability to soothe almost any crying child on the field at recess_ ) he’d gotten a lot quieter in middle school. Due to this, indifference preoccupied most of the other kids in his class when Kaneki stumbled in looking like death ( _almost late_ ). Hide moved quickly to shield Kaneki from the lack of care, slinging his arm around his shoulder and dragging him to his desk.   
  
  
He was so focused on chatting to Kaneki ( _and trying to draw out a reaction that would tell him everything he needed to know_ ) that he quickly dismissed a glimmer of a grouchy frown on Kimi, their school’s resident tomboy.   
  
  
Whatever it was, it didn’t matter.

  
  
~~~~~~

  
  
“Baaaaakaneki, why haven’t you been coming to school?”  
  
  
Hide halted just around the corner from the voice ( _wow, he really couldn’t leave Kaneki’s side anymore, could he?_ ) and clutched his apple juice cartons in his hand tightly. It was only lunch time and he had just barely succeeded in cheering his friend up. He was torn between banging his head off a wall or slamming Kaneki’s harasser’s face into the dirt.  
  
  
“Oi, why won’t you answer me? You mad that my buddies keep taking your things? Che, coward.”  
  
  
Listening carefully, Hide could make out a shaky inhale that could only belong to one person ( ** _enough was enough_** ). Hide swiftly stalked around the corner, cheerful smile in place and single apple juice in hand ( _he’d burst the other and left it out of sight…his hands were sticky_ ).  
  
  
“Kaneeeeeekiiiiiiiiiiii, I want to go sit down! My little legs are all tuckered out from retrieving this drink JUST FOR YOU.”  
  
  
He whined, pointedly ignoring Kimi and the two boys she stood with. Seemingly relieved, Kaneki scrambled to his feet ( _why was he on the ground?_ ) and jogged over to him before clutching at his sleeve. The show of nervousness was out of character and Hide felt the pressure rising in the juice box in his hand.   
  
  
Hurriedly, he shoved it into Kaneki’s grip and turned a thousand-watt grin onto the three **_idiots_** who were still standing there.  
  
  
“Sorry, but I don’t share my precious Kaneki time with anybody else. ** _Scram_**.”  
  
  
The words were harsh but the tone was teasing enough to confuse a bunch of kids. The three looked at each other, annoyance mixing with confusion showing in their uncertain movements.  
  
  
“Bye.”  
  
  
Hide waved at them, and, in their confusion, the trio slowly left, murmuring amongst themselves. When there wasn’t anyone else within earshot, Kaneki slid his hand into Hide’s ( _his sticky hand…gross_ ) and stared off into the distance.  
  
  
“Thanks Hide. I’m really tired today.”  
  
  
Kaneki whispered ( _Hide’s heart throbbed in unexplainable terror at the blank look that accompanied those words_ ). He tugged Hide’s hand and together they sat down, uncomfortably sticky palms joined for the rest of their lunch period.

  
  
~~~~~~

 

It was sundown when Hide began his hunt. Kaneki had gotten home, safe and sound ( _paper-white and terrified of something_ ) and now Hide was free to find a group of people who loved playing baseball at the school.   
  
  
He hoped they had stayed late today. He hoped he wouldn’t have to **_follow them to their houses_**. There was really only so much he could explain to the adults around him.  
  
  
He jogged his way over to the baseball diamond when he spotted five figures standing around ( _two extras, this might be bad_ ). His pace increased when he was able to make out the features of each of the silhouettes ( _the two extras were a pair with surprisingly sharp tongues that, wonder of wonders, also needed some correction_ ). A sickening heat was simmering under his skin by the time Hide had centered himself within Kimi’s group of friends.  
  
  
Kensuke, one of the extras, waved cheerily at him, passing him a baseball mitt **_as if he would want to join their game_**. Smiling like the sun itself, Hide slapped the glove into the dirt, gaining the attention of all the players.  
  
  
“If you ever, ever, think about bothering my best friend again, **_I’ll beat the shit out of you_**.”  
  
  
An eerie silence followed his declaration and Hide let his smile slip away as he gazed at the mitt settling in the dust ( _haha, it was almost like a duelling glove_ ).  
  
  
“This is both a threat and a promise. Leave Kaneki alone.”  
  
  
A few seconds managed to tick by without anyone moving, so Hide decided to leave. If nobody wanted to fight him today...well, that was alright by him ( _he wasn’t all that good at it_ ).

  
  
~~~~~~

  
  
“My mom saw Bakaneki’s mom in the hospital.”  
  
  
A high-pitched voice pierced through the fog that had weighed Hide down since he’d walked to school alone that morning ( _he’d only made Kaneki promise to come once_ ).  
  
  
“The doctor’s say she’s dying and so mama says Bakaneki is going to be an orphan!”  
  
  
Was there sympathy in Kimi’s tone? Hide didn’t really care. That girl was going to get it. ** _Everyone was going to get it_**. It was a pity that the sharp-tongued pals weren’t in the same class as Kimi, Kensuke, and Miyashiba.  
  
  
“She probably won’t last much longer. The doctor said th-“  
  
  
Hide’s fist cut off the girl’s next statement pretty effectively, though the clattering of his desk to the ground probably would have blocked it out just as well. He’d clipped her teeth and his knuckles were just spewing blood like nothing else. Kensuke and Miyashiba were rushing over, probably remembering his promise ( _one of them was yelling “we didn’t even touch Kaneki!”. Hide absently wondered if he should’ve added a clause to his threat that included slander_ ).  
  
  
Clearly his punch was pretty weak, because Kimi leapt at him with all the ferocity of a wild cat. Kensuke and Miyashiba tried to pin him down and someone elbowed him in the face. The last detached thought he managed before a wall of bright red rage descended over his vision was that the teacher was going to be pissed.

  
  
~~~~~~

 

The cold air of the park was probably bad for him ( _he’d been here for hours, hiding his face from any passerby_ ) however it soothed the sting of his thousand and one wounds. Without a doubt, he’d lost the fight, but Hide smirked a bit ( _his lips were split and stung_ ) at the idea that he had won the war.  
  
  
In the heat of everything, Hide had realized that Kimi had a crush a mile-wide on Kaneki ( _the teasing, checking up on him, stealing his stuff_ ) and had called her out on it, getting a lucky punch in as well due to her surprise.   
  
  
Her and her friends were all terrified of him now ( _and his hissed out promises to get stronger_ ) and Kimi was too embarrassed to approach Kaneki in such a moronic bullying way again.  
  
  
Sighing, Hide let the smirk slip from his face. He pressed his head against the cold metal of slide and let his eyes slip shut. He wasn’t really sure how to go home to his parents with his face as thoroughly ruined as it was. He knew the school had probably called them ( _he’d run off in the middle of the day and gotten into a fight, so there was no real doubt_ ) and they were bound to be furious.  
  
  
Delaying the inevitable wasn’t helping his case, but he had never really given them a reason to be this mad before and it scared him.   


Hide wanted to call Kaneki for help cleaning himself up, however with his new knowledge ( _dying…the hospital…not much time_ ) he knew the blood would scare his best buddy. He also felt kindof guilty ( _not jealous_ ) that someone else had found out Kaneki’s secret first. He quickly found that his concerns were unfounded though, when something much better than chilled metal soothed his wounds.  
  
  
Kaneki’s hands ran over the back of his head, cold as the night air and much squishier than steel. He groaned out his appreciation and the magic hands tilted to support his rolling over. He blinked at the stars and the hands disappeared.   
  
  
Hide didn’t bother following Kaneki with his eyes as he heard the crunching of the parks pebbled underfoot and then the metallic ringing of someone climbing the stairs of the slide. Finally, the entire structure vibrated under his head and Hide knew Kaneki was perched at the top.  
  
  
Though he was expecting admonishments to leave Kaneki’s lips (“ _violence is bad, Hide._ ”), the surprises of the day just kept rolling in.  
  
  
“I shut you out, didn’t I? I’m sorry.”   
  


Kaneki’s voice was smooth and empathetic like he had practiced this line for hours before showing up at the park. It was such a simple sentence, yet Hide felt something small and dark within himself tremble. He had been angry with Kimi and her crew, however he fought them in the middle of school over something else ( _he’d been enraged with himself and had wanted to get hurt_ ).   
  
  
He began to sit up ( _to apologize or to flee, he wasn’t sure_ ) at the same time Kaneki spoke again, his voice far less sure than before.  
  
  
“I needed help but I couldn’t ask. I’ve never **_hurt_** this bad before, Hide. It feels like I’m dying and Hide, Hide…I…I could never…I don’t ever want you to feel like this! I don’t want to share this! But…but I need your help and you helped me and you got hurt and I’m so **_happy_**. Am I an awful person?”  
  
  
The word happy came out like Kaneki was being strangled, however it still made Hide’s chest swell with pride.  
  
  
“If you’re awful, I’m awful too. Hitting anyone who says rude things about you makes me happy. I’m even happy right now, even though you’re crying your eyes out. I want to help you.”  
  
  
Hide responded, barely bothered by the concept of being a terrible person ( _he probably wasn’t one, since there was no way Kaneki was anything less than a saint and they felt similarly about this_ ). He had been pretty secure in his answer, so it came as a deeply disturbing shock when he felt Kaneki getting up and walking away.  
  
  
He could hear his friend ( _were they still friends? They couldn’t just stop…right?_ ) moving further and further away and his breathing grew shallow. Palms sweating and eyes widening, Hide jerked upright and glanced around. Nothing but darkness met his gaze though, and he came to the horrible conclusion that Kaneki had left. He was gone ( _it felt like something was tearing his insides out_ ).  
  
  
A rustling in the shadows drew Hide’s panicked attention. Kaneki’s silhouette was returning from the tree line with a bunch of white lily-of-the-valley clasped in his fist. Silently, Kaneki sat on the grass ( ** _out of reach_** ) and began stringing them together.   
  
  
He looked like a ghost, the moonlight and the concentrated quirk of his lips and brows making him seem so much older than twelve ( ** _he didn’t look real._** ** _He looked like he was going to disappear_** ).  
  
  
Hide’s heart was trying to hammer its way out of his chest so that it could go where it belonged. He couldn’t tell what his friend was thinking again, meaning that he’d broken his promise, so of course Kaneki wouldn’t want to be his friend anymore.   
  


A sliver of doubt, or hope, or obligation kept Hide pinned in place, watching as Kaneki completed a wide, tightly-knit ring with a white bell-shaped blossom as its centrepiece. The surreal tableau before him continued as Kaneki wiped a tear onto the ring and whispered a familiar prayer.   
  
  
Shock made Hide’s eyes blow wide and a whimper of relief escaped him as he recognized what Kaneki had been doing. His buddy had been really into rituals and magic lately (f _or reasons he now understood_ ). He’d found a soul-binding ritual that had given him pause and Hide had checked it out curiously. Kaneki had made a really soft face reading it and had muttered to himself about what a sacred place could be.   
  
  
Hide couldn’t remember perfectly, but the gist had been something like: “wildflowers at night grown in the dirt of a sacred place and a symbol of faith that is a piece of the giver. Turn it into a thrice ( _or twice_ )-wrapped ring to symbolize eternity, a white blossom marking the centre for pure feelings, red for lovers, and blue for something stained and strong. Wear it for a day to mark a lasting cycle and bless it with a prayer to carry it to the next life.”.   
  
  
Hide was also pretty sure that Kaneki had frowned at him when he suggested trying it out, saying it would be selfish to bind people together forever.  
  
  
“Hide…don’t ever leave me.”  
  
  
Kaneki choked out, turning his face away from him as his cheeks burned vermillion enough to be seen in the low-lighting of evening. Hide felt warm all the way through, every speck of cold being chased from his body, and smiled even though he felt like crying.   
  
  
He smiled like he’d seen his father do in his parent’s wedding videos as he took the ring and tried to find a word for what he felt. The same emotion had been invoked in him when they’d read the Princess Bride together, each and every time Wesley had said “as you wish”.   
  
  
**_Devotion_** bled through him and swam in his veins. Kaneki drank it in, letting the feeling run like a river between them and slake whatever desperate unloved thirst filled him.  
  
  
“Best friends for life.”  
  
  
Kaneki stated, no more questions hiding in his voice.  
  
  
“In this one and the next.”  
  
  
Hide responded, sliding on Kaneki’s ring as Kaneki pushed his onto his index finger. He let him, contemplating the clarity of Kaneki’s pale grey eyes. They were like water now, letting him see every barrier coming down, and Kaneki’s thoughts were readable once again.  
  
  
As Kaneki sat next to him on the slide and leaned heavily on his bruised shoulder, Hide was brimming with the thought that he’d shed his skin. He’d never been as at peace as he was right then. Utter calm fell over the pair as Hide leaned his head onto Kaneki’s while they watched the stars.   
  
  
When Kaneki’s breathing evened out, Hide pondered the amount of trouble he’d be in when he got home and looked delighted enough to explode.  
  
  
Kaneki snuffled and Hide decided it didn’t matter. Since Kaneki had been selfish enough to bind their souls and he was in deep trouble anyway, Hide figured he deserved a little bit of leeway. Checking to make sure Kaneki really was asleep, Hide let a soft smile grace his lips before he kissed Kaneki’s forehead.  
  
  
“You’re mine forever now, y’know.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Even when I'm dead, I'll swim through the Earth,  
> like a mermaid of the soil, just to be next to your bones.” 
> 
> -Jeffrey McDaniel


	6. Freesia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Freesia is the flower of children and represents immaturity.
> 
> This is a really short chapter, huh? AO3 absolutely refuses to let me format properly anymore, so please ignore the weird spacing that pops up sometime. I'm trying to figure out a way to fix it :l

The grey brick house looks oddly out of place in the cheerfully coloured neighbourhood that contains it. Though its lawn is strewn with toys ( _road hockey supplies, a soccer ball, the training wheels of a bike_ ), Hide can’t help but feel like there’s something **_wrong_** with it.   
  
  
There should be a book and a chair on the lawn, quiet laughter rolling out of the door, or a well-kept garden ( _filled with forget-me-nots, violets, and other wildflowers_ ). He should be able to see Kaneki through the windows instead of closed curtains ( _he wished his cell phone would ring just as he wished he could ring the doorbell_ ). At least he should be capable of imagining what the inside of the house would look like.  
  
  
These echoes of “ ** _should_** ” in his head kept him biking past this place, day after day, no matter how distant it was from his own house ( _nearly an hour by bike_ ). He **_should_** be invited inside of Kaneki’s aunt’s house ( _Kaneki’s new house_ ). Kaneki **_should_** come to see him ( _though he couldn’t hang around in the park late at night anymore, he_ ** _should_** _be able to sleep over_ ). His texts **_should_** be answered with something other than the increasingly short and snippy replies he’d been receiving.   
  
  
Hide circled the block and began pedalling home as the last dying rays of the sun reflected off of the house’s attic window. He saw a face there, but it wasn’t the one he wanted to see.

  
  
~~~~~~

 

It had been 4 months ( _2 weeks, 1 day_ ) since Kaneki had moved into the Asaoka’s house. At first he had been surprised at the condition of their home ( _everything was in good repair and Yuuichi owned the latest consoles. It was so different from his old place_ ) since his aunt had been in a “desperate financial situation” for a number of months. Over time however, he grew used to it.   
  
  
It was easy for him to forget the details of the house, his aunt’s expression at the funeral ( _he would only recall Hide’s shaking shoulders, white roses, and the artificial chill of the air conditioning_ ), the looks Yuuichi had been casting him, and the furrow that dug itself between Hide’s eyebrows permanently after he moved.   
  
  
Convincing himself that he could forget was difficult, but as Kaneki ate dinner alone in his room and forced a smile onto his face, he really believed it was possible.   


It was better this way.  
  
  
He wasn’t hurting anyone ( _except himself_ ).

  
  
~~~~~~

  

The nagging began when Kaneki arrived for class and wouldn’t quit until he boarded the bus to go to the Asaoka’s. Hide’s persistence was the stuff of legends. He wheedled Kaneki for days ( _“I wanna hang out!” “I can come over for like…three minutes. Come on.” “Kaneeeeekiiiii!!!!”_ ) and it had honestly gotten to the point that Kaneki reacted to his own name with irritation. Now that it was Friday, Kaneki was desperate to escape Hide’s hawk-like gaze.  
  
  
“Kaneki, hey buddy, I got this new game and we totally need to play it together! You said that Yuuichi has the -“  
  
  
“NO. Hide, just SHUT UP. You can’t come over.”   
  


Hide pulled a face like he’d just been punched in the gut and Kaneki found that he couldn’t look at him anymore.   
  
  
“It’s not my house.”  
  
  
He grumbled, clutching his bag to his chest and staring at the floor as he walked away.

 

~~~~~~

  
  
There were only cold vegetables left for him at the empty dinner table when Kaneki came down the stairs at his designated meal time ( _“don’t come out otherwise, you’ll be in the way”_ ). Left-over side dishes seemed to be becoming a staple of his diet ( _should he learn to cook, perhaps?_ ). The meal was strange.   
  
  
Though the food was good, he was having a hard time swallowing past a lump in his throat. He forced everything down anyway and cleaned the dishes with the most peculiar feeling of emptiness in his heart.

  
  
~~~~~~

  
  
After Kaneki turned off all the lights, his phone ( _on silent_ ) illuminated the room. 

 

-Text-  
From: Bun-chan

_Hey man… (ó﹏ò｡)_

  
-Text- 

From: Bun-chan  
_Please talk to me? ／(･ × ･)＼_

  
-Text- 

From: Bun-chan

_／(･ × ･)＼ I’m dyiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnngggg ꒰⁎×﹏×⁎꒱՞༘✡_

  
His chest constricted painfully and his head swam with a sudden surge of adrenalin ( _he was scared…why was he scared?_ ). He should be laughing, shouldn’t he? The whole “rabbits die when they’re lonely” thing always made him laugh ( _which was why Hide said it_ ).   
  
  
Kaneki’s hands shook when he tried to type a return message. His fingers froze over the keys as he analyzed what he should say ( _how would Hide interpret his message? He’d gotten better at reading people and he couldn’t let him know…know what exactly? There was nothing to be afraid of_ ) while trying to slow his breathing. 

 

-Text-   
To: Bun-chan  
  
_You aren’t a rabbit._

  
That sounded mean.

  
-Text-  
To: Bun-chan  
  
_I just didn’t want you to come over here. It’s really hectic cause I only moved in a little while ago and I’m not used to living here. I wouldn’t want to make the Asaoka’s uncomfortable and I don’t really know how to ask._

  
  
That sounded like he was embarrassed at the idea of having Hide over. His life here wasn’t shameful.

  
-Text-  
To: Bun-chan

_My aunt isn’t really polite to strangers. You wouldn’t like it here._

  
A fat droplet of water splashed onto his phone screen ( _I don’t_ ) and Kaneki dropped his phone into a drawer in his nightstand. He slammed it shut and curled his body under his covers.  
  
  
There was nothing to cry about.  
  
  
He’d be ok.  
  
  
****_He wasn’t hurting anyone.  
_  
  
His phone would stop ringing eventually ( _don’t leave me_ ).

  
  
~~~~~~

 

A white bell tolled in the church tower, shaking the stained glass windows until they shattered. The noise was ear-splitting and caused pain to lance through his temples. Somehow though, the sound filled him with joy.   
  
  
His mother used to say that church bells sent your prayers to heaven. The high clear sound of the heavy brass didn’t feel like it was sending a message to heaven. It was an   
  
  
“ANSWER. GOD DAMN IT, COME ON.”  
  
  
_What?  
_  
  
Confused and startled, Kaneki rolled out of his bed and onto the floor, completely ensnared by his comforter. He fought it off and scrambled to his feet like a new-born fawn. He slipped twice on the sleek wooden stairs and limped to the front door, taking in the empty state of the house ( _“Yuuichi has a soccer game at 10 tomorrow morning so feed yourself…”_ ).  
  
  
Oh God, had they come back already? How late was it? Did his aunt forget her keys? Distress crawled up his throat on knobby fingers and his fumbled with the doorlatch because he’d shrunk in on himself too far to lift it without his own fingers getting in the way ( _he’d seen the look in her eyes when she’d ordered him to stay in his room. It was something that lurked in the shadows of every sharp line of a bully’s face. It was something that said mistakes were going to hurt him and_ ** _he wasn’t hurting anyone…_** )  
  
  
“Buddy? Kaneki? Are you ok?”  
  
  
A tender voice. Worried eyes. Warm hands. A kalidescope of mismatched colours that ended with a roughly stitched “Nagachika Hideyoshi; Kaneki Ken”.  
  
  
“Hide…what?”  
  
  
Kaneki unfurled his body and blinked at his friend’s wind-whipped face in the afternoon light. He didn’t bother wondering how Hide knew his address or how he had gotten there right when his relatives had left. Kaneki focused on the deep furrow that was still between Hide’s eyebrows and the leftward slant of his mouth that meant “I’m going to say something incredibly stupid”.   
  
  
Whatever relief he felt at seeing Hide in his doorway died a quick death when he saw that face.   
  


“Move in with me.”  
  
  
( _Yep, something incredibly stupid_ ) Kaneki was tired, hungry, and now he was pissed ( _he'd cycled through enough emotions in the past week to leave him crabby for the rest of his life and he REALLY didn't need this right now_ ).  
  
  
“I refuse to spend my life being a burden.”  
  
  
He responded sharply. Surprise flickered across Hide’s eyes and his hands balled into fists.  
  
  
“Kaneki, no. ** _No no no_**. You aren’t a burden. I’d be excited to have you around all of the time and my parents love you. We practically share a soul so that’s not really surprising or anything.”  
  
  
Kaneki pointedly didn’t look at Hide’s open and soft facial expression. Instead, he stared at his tightening fists ( _Hide was gearing up to something_ ).  
  
  
“Does your aunt make you feel like a burden, ‘Neki?”  
  
  
He’d been expecting that question. It hurt, but he’d been expecting it ( _because it was true. Because that’s what he was_ ).  
  
  
“Do you think I always need your help or something?”  
  
  
He was deflecting, he knew it. It did the trick though ( _they knew each other too well_ ).  
  
  
“The HELL!? Why can’t I just help you when you’re having a tough time? Why do you need to need it?”  
  
  
( _Stop being so nice. Stop trying to help me. Stop making me want something I can't have_ ).  
  
  
“BECAUSE I DON’T NEED IT. THERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT I NEED TO DO ALONE! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WHEN YOU **_CAN’T_** BE THERE, HUH HIDE!?”  
  
  
Oh.  
  
  
**_Oh.  
  
_**

That was it, wasn’t it ( _Hide couldn’t be there every time he felt alone, couldn’t always stop the bullies, couldn’t always fill the silence in his house, couldn’t make his relatives love him, and wasn’t old enough that they could live together without it causing strain on his parents - the same kind of strain that killed his_ )?  
  
  
They met each other’s eyes, seeing their own expressions reflected back at them ( _pain, sorrow, reluctant acceptance_ ). Neither of them said anything, but Hide waited at the door while Kaneki got dressed. The whole walk to their park was silent, however Kaneki thought that they’d both gotten the message.   


Hide couldn’t always be there. He’d be there sometimes though. That…was enough.   
  
  
**_It would have to be._ **

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Asaoka's are Kaneki's relatives. Also, interesting bit of trivia (knowing Ishida's penchant for puns): Asaoka is composed of the kanji for "shallow" and "hill/incline". Oka is pronounced like "Okaa" and so this can also be interpreted as "shallow mother", which very much so represents Kaneki's aunt.


	7. Iris

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The iris is a really gorgeous flower that smells a bit like candy to me. It is representative of undying loyalty, wisdom, and passion.
> 
> PS. They are 15 now and my chapter posts are slow because I am job hunting (and a bit terrible tbh, sorry!)
> 
> PPS. This was written before a full translation of "Bible" was released, so it's a little different from canon events.

Sometimes Kaneki found that instead of having thoughts in his head, there was only white noise. It was a buzzing sound that was filled with whispers ( _warnings_ ) about his behaviour, where he went, who he saw, and what secrets he had to keep.  
  
  
Once, he had listened to the warnings, believing that they could keep him safe ( _keep him happy, make them love him_ ). Now the frantic chatter was meaningless to him ( _he didn’t want it to stop though. Worse things could take its place_ ).  
  
  
His aunt would never be proud of him. That was ok.  
  
  
His cousin would never stop messing with his school supplies or with his head. That was annoying.  
  
  
His uncle would never stop making it worse, never stop implying that Yuuichi should be more like him. He wished he could be happy about that.  
  
  
He’d probably never come home to find dinner waiting for him at the table. His family would never be satisfied with anything he did. He’d always be in trouble.  
  
  
Well…if he was in trouble anyway, he might as well do what he wants to. 

 

-Text-

To: Bun-Chan

_Want to come over today?_

 

_-_ Text-

From: Bun-Chan  
  
_Yes, yes, a thousand times yes! Screw the basketball club - me and you are gonna have a party!_

  
  
~~~~~

 

In Kaneki’s room ( _it was cramped and plain, but it was private and smelled like the white flowers he’d kept in his dirt-filled pockets so he could have something_ ** _alive_** _around_ ) there was a bookshelf ( _painstakingly whittled together from the slats of his neighbours rotting fence_ ). It was an ugly thing; it was lumpy, mossy, and he couldn’t afford wood stains.  
  
  
The shelf was his favourite possession though. He’d stocked it with his father’s novels ( _stolen from around this house, each one marked with his father’s faded signature in cobalt ink_ ) and they were packed together in a spine-bending fashion, pages bulging out like soap bubbles.  
  
  
The knotholes in the shelves were packed with little things ( _a pressed ring of flowers, a four-leaf clover, two wooden cats about the size of a nickel, one of which looked like some sort of abstract sculpture_ ) that were important only to him. The shelf was personal and was the only thing he had left that wasn’t purchased or decorated with this family’s money.  
  
  
He ran his fingers over it, ignoring the dark green stains that rubbed into his skin, and nudged against hard plastic. Peering into the rickety construction, a startled laugh escaped him. Hide had stuck one of his school binders inside ( _his history notes for the test tomorrow were contained within_ ).

  
  
-Text-

To: Bun-Chan

_Oi, I found your notes for tomorrow. Don’t go sticking your things all around my room! It’s like you think you live here or something!!_

 

-Text-

From: Bun-Chan  
  
(๑òᆺó๑) _Watch out nerd, if you don’t keep an eye out for my stuff EVERY day, it’ll accumulate until I DO live there (๑òᆺó๑)_

 

-Text-

From: Bun-Chan

_Seriously though…I should probably come pick those up…ORRRRRRRRRR you could bring them to me~!ଽ ฅ૮( ꒪〰꒪)აฅ_

 

-Text-

To: Bun-Chan  
  
I’d never let you move in. I bet you’re the kind of person who leaves crumbs in the bed and snores. Meet me halfway?

  
  
-Text-

From: Bun-Chan  
  
_Always <3_

  
  
~~~~~

  

The sound of flesh hitting flesh burned its way through the house like a gunshot. It was a sharp noise, loud enough that the silence that settled afterwards made Kaneki feel like he’d been dunked underwater ( _or maybe that was just the thick viscous sensation that flowed into him when his aunt’s hand clapped over his ear_ ). 

  
“Why would you even bother coming home at 3 am!? If you’re out, **_stay out_**!!! You woke everybody up and you don’t even look sorry!”  
  
  
Her voice sounded so far away. It rang a little, like he was catching it in layers ( _the screeching first, the platitude to stay away second, the unrelenting anger third, and finally the scorn that lay there_ ) and spread like ripples through the mug of tea in his hand ( _how he’d managed not to drop it was a mystery to him_ ).  
  
  
“Alright.”  
  
  
He gritted through closed teeth ( ** _if he opened his mouth any wider he knew something would come rushing out like seawater from his lungs_** ).  
  
  
“What did you say, boy? Speak up.”  
  
  
That was a command ( _the white noise squirmed and pushed aside the image of tidal pools he’d conjured up inside his head, imagining his aunt as a beady-eyed seagull poised above the surface. It whispered: “answer or the locks will be changed again” and he found himself inclined to obey_ ).  
  
  
“Alright. I won’t come home if it is late. I’m sorry.”  
  
  
His tone was weird, the usual sincerity in it was squeezed out onto the floor by his inability to stop clenching his teeth.  
  
  
“Get out.”  
  
  
His aunt hissed.  
  
  
The door clicked and Kaneki sighed.

  

~~~~~

 

 

Hide could hear birds singing and the rising sun sent light creeping across his dusty floorboards. He lay on his stomach, watching as the warm golden colour washed over the feet of his best friend.   
  
  
“You said I’d be the one moving in with you.”  
  
  
He said, arching an eyebrow and not lifting his gaze from Kaneki’s argyle socks ( _what a nerd_ ).  
  
  
“Tell me, ‘Neki, do you snore or leave crumbs in the bed?”  
  
  
A soft chuckle rewarded his efforts. It floated above the metallic clink of Kaneki’s key ring being placed on his desk ( _with his spare key on it for times like these_ ) and the clack of his phone being put beside the jumble of metal. Hide closed his eyes and matched his breathing to the whisper of fabric on skin, the sound of a belt hitting the floor, and his closet door opening ( _he kept all his tattered t-shirts in there now, alongside flannel pajama bottoms he never wore. His own clothes were spread out all over the floor for easy access_ ).  
  
  
Cold spidery fingers and broad palms rolled his body to the left and he huffed out an exasperated sigh as his back hit the wall.  
  
  
“The right side is my side cause I’m always right.”  
  
  
Kaneki murmurs, amusement spreading through his tone. Everything goes quiet as Kaneki settles himself into the warm patch Hide left behind. Kaneki’s icy feet brush against Hide’s bare legs and he shivers unhappily. Kaneki makes an aborted noise of amusement, breath swaying Hide’s bangs and tickling his forehead, then tucks the blanket between their legs firmly and cocoons himself rather contentedly.  
  
  
He’s finally about to nod off, pleased that Kaneki has reached a normal human temperature through the sheets, when his friend’s voice calls him back from the brink once more.  
  
  
“My aunt sounds a bit like a seagull, don’t you think?”  
  
  
Hide’s parents woke up to two sets of hysterical guffaws at the crack of dawn, though he was sure they wouldn't mind. Kaneki’s laugh was the Nagachika family’s favourite sound.

 

~~~~~

 

The sagging ridiculous fence-turned-shelf in Kaneki’s bedroom was empty and Hide was struggling to breathe. Kaneki’s face was ashen and his eyes were brimming with unshed tears as his hands flexed uselessly in space ( _the image overlaid with Kaneki last night, buried in a pile of orange blankets, drooling and with his skin reflecting gold in the morning light_ ).  
  
  
The itty bitty puddle of deep dark sludge inside of himself drank in the sight, growing larger and stirring ( _it had begun to pool when Kaneki’s mother ignored him, expanded with the Asaoka’s neglect, and now it ran like water from a rusty tap_ ).  
  
  
“Go check the recycling, ‘Neki.”  
  
  
His voice was hoarse and dripping with the shadows sloshing over the brim of his mouth ( _the thought struck him that he sounded like Kaneki when he described his dreams and an unhappy smile tugged at his lips_ ). The stricken boy in front of him nodded jerkily and swept out of the room down the stairs and out of the house.  
  
  
Hide stopped breathing for a moment and listened to the sounds of the household. Shuffling in a room down the hall revealed the presence of his quarry and Hide moved to intercept them.  
  
  
“Mrs Asaoka, hello.”  
  
  
He greeted ( _the murky darkness coiled low in his call and he fervently wanted her to hear it_ ). The woman stopped folding laundry and eyed him in annoyance without a trace of wariness.  
  
  
“Once upon a time…”  
  
  
He began ( _it was overflowing, falling off his tongue_ ),   


“There was a woman who wanted their son to go to a very prestigious private academy.”  
  
  
( _it was pooling beneath his feet and staining his skin_ )  


“Her son got in even though he didn’t have the marks for it and the family had very little money to donate. Her son was lazy, and though he was a decent soccer player, he lacked the charisma to make him seem worthy for such a ** _nice school_**. That woman bought a **_nice dress_** and some **_nice wine_** …”  
  
  
( _flowing down the stairs_ )  
  
  
“and she asked an a friend of hers, the mother of a girl I know well, to get her a meeting with the principal on… ** _casual terms_**.”  
  
  
( _the stairs were covered so thickly they were drowned out of sight_ )  


“What are you trying to imply!?”  
  
  
“The woman disappears every Friday but one look at her work schedule, carelessly left open on her phone, reveals that she doesn’t have anything to do that day…”  
  
  
( _if the door opened downstairs, he wondered if Kaneki would become pitch black as well_ )  


“Are you threatening me, boy!? I will call your parents so help me G-“   
  
  
“I wonder what her son would think. I really do. ** _I’d like to find out how he would feel_**.”  
  
  
( _he wondered if the woman in front of him would drown in the hate her house was now bursting with_ )  
  
  
“What do you want.”  
  
  
“Where are the books, Mrs Asaoka?”  
  
  
“Storage shed out back. In the box marked as salable.”  
  
  
“Hmmm…”  
  
  
He hummed as he ambled down the stairs, breathing in all his burning desire to ruin the woman behind him.  
  
  
“…I’ll take him away from you someday.”  
  
  
He called out, facing his reflection in the glass panes at the top of the front door.  
  
  
“Good. I don’t want him.”  
  
  
Hide watched the funny look that shivered and spasmed through his eyes. He considered writing Kaneki a horror story since he seemed so fond of them these days.  
  
  
He’d never really managed to grasp the perspective necessary to author them until today.

  
  
~~~~~

 

He’d directed Kaneki to search through the recycling again before he had retrieved each and every novel from the storage shed ( _he’d never let Kaneki know that they were going to be sold…money was a touchy subject_ ). He’d thought of a lie and he’d made his move to cover up that lie.  
  
  
Then he sat at the back door of Kaneki’s house, covered in mud and bruises, surrounded by unmarked cardboard boxes of books ( _Yuuichi often “pranked” Kaneki by tossing his things down the hill out back…this would be no different_ ). Kaneki found him like that and somehow managed to lose even more colour from his skin.  
  
  
“I found them out back at the bottom of the hill. I slipped on my way down.”  
  
  
He uttered, waving off Kaneki’s worried hands and scooping up a box of books with a bright grin. That grin flickered in confusion when Kaneki grabbed his arm in one hand and the remaining two boxes were crooked in his other arm. Kaneki dragged him into the house, tracking mud all over the clean floors on his way to his bedroom.  
  
  
“What the HELL do you think you’re doing!? CLEAN THAT UP THIS INSTANT!”  
  
  
His aunt called after him as Kaneki stomped his feet in the hall, shaking more dirt onto the floor while he rotated his head to glare at his aunt.  
  
  
“Hide is my friend and he is hurt and if you will SHUT UP and let me CLEAN HIM UP. He’s more important than this piece of shit house.”  
  
  
He seethed before hauling Hide up to his room to the soundtrack of angry impotent spluttering.   
  


In his room he meticulously reshelved his books and gave Hide clean clothes. Kaneki then pulled out a first-aid kit and cleaned out his scratches with a single-minded attitude he usually dedicated to story-telling or reading. The mother-hen attitude and grumbly bitching about his aunt warmed Hide’s heart.   
  
  
He spotted some flecks of mud on Kaneki’s cheek and pressed the pad of his thumb against it as he friend worked. He rubbed at it, working the black black dirt into the previously pale skin, staining it the colour he’d wondered about earlier.  
  
  
Even if his friend wound up steeped in darkness, Hide decided he still liked him.

 


	8. Magnolia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A feeling of normalcy or something "natural" is the meaning behind the giving of magnolias.
> 
> Have some fluff before the chapter of PURE PAIN. This chapter features a few OCs in no great detail.

“Chigusa-chan is definitely the best looking girl in our year. Not even Kaneko over there can disagree!”   
  
  
Koizumi Hibiki cried out merrily, slouched lazily across Hide’s bed with some of their other friends from school. He pointed dramatically at Kaneki and the massive ragdoll cat in his lap and both of them blinked their large eyes in confusion.  
  
  
“Huh? What was that about Chigusa-san?”  
  
  
Kaneki questioned, looking a bit lost ( _he’d been busy playing with Tabatha's, AKA Kaneko’s, paw pads because she was adorable and subsequently hadn’t been paying attention_ ).  
  
  
“Kanekiiiiiiii I was relying on you for back up here! Quick - what is the first word that comes to mind when I say Chigusa!”  
  
  
Hibiki whined and Kaneki let a slow contemplative grin roll across his face.   
  


“Mori Ren.”   
  


He responded, trying not to laugh at the befuddlement written all over Hibiki. There was a beat of silence and then a rich baritone guffaw rang out from the video game corner where Tanaka Yuu and Mori Ren huddled amongst bags of chips and wires.  
  


“It was a pun, Hibiki. A DOUBLE pun. A thousand seeds, a forest, and a lotus flower. I think that was revenge for calling him Kaneko when that is **_clearly_** the name of Hide’s cat.”

  
Ren explained as he paused the round of Mario Kart he was playing against Yuu ( _who was now trying to steal Ren’s controller to get a headstart_ ).

  
“Kaneki is my kitty though.”

  
Hide cheerfully threw in, beaming at Kaneki’s betrayed look. His smile expanded until it was ear-to-ear as Akiyama Naoki scratched his fingers through Kaneki’s hair and made a purring sound.

  
“Now, now, don’t tease our favourite little kitty too much. His insults are pretty inventive and will take you three days to figure out.”

  
Naoki chided everyone, even as he murmured “here kitty kitty” under his breath ( _Tabatha stared balefully at him and trotted away. Kaneki’s appreciation for the cat increased tenfold since it had joined him in his silent judgement_ ).  
  
  
Kaneki grumbled something unintelligible and Naoki kept petting his head, tugging at the dark locks every so often.

  
“Seriously though Hibiki, what were you saying about Chigusa-san?”

  
Hibiki rolled himself to the side and draped himself over Naoki’s shoulders languidly, reiterating his statement from earlier.

  
“Chigusa is the most beautiful girl in our year, don’t you agree? She looks like a movie star and I want to be her leading man~! C’mon man, we all know that Kaneko-sama’s word is law!”

  
“It’s true. So far Kaneki has the best taste amongst all of you. Your last crush was…honestly Hibiki, I nearly disowned you as a friend.”

  
Wheelan Hayato teased from his reclined position on the cramped bed. Kaneki awkwardly averted his eyes from his friends ( _who were all murmuring in agreement)_ and tried not to think about any of his past crushes (“ _classy ladies, all of them”, “Master Kaneki, guide my love life!”, “well it’s not like he really dated any of them…”, “It’s not like you’ve ever had a date either you giant nerd” “shut up and race me!!!”_ ) and twisted his hands while trying to force his embarrassment down.   
  
  
Another tug on his hair helped him focus and he turned ( _as much as he could with Naoki’s grip on his head_ ) to Hibiki.

  
“Chigusa-san is a really great person. She takes care of a rabbit hutch at her grandparent’s, you know. She kindof reminds me of a bunny…she’s really cute.”

  
Fondness infused his words as he spoke ( _the girl always spoke to him about her “family of fluffy friends” since she’d seen his chatlog of rabbit emoticons and nothing else…honestly, Hide’s ridiculous texting habits were going to make everyone think he was an animal fanatic_ ). Hibiki’s face lit up in joy and he ruffled Kaneki’s hair ( _nudging Naoki’s hands out of the way to do so_ ).

  
“Should I ask her to come to a petting zoo with me? Or maybe give her a rabbit plush…or a bunny. An entire bunny.”   
  


He chattered excitedly.

  
“You can’t just buy her a pet, Hibiki. What if she turns you down? You gonna keep the rabbit and name it after her?”

  
Hide chortled from the doorway with a fresh bag of chips in his hands. His familiar gaze shifted from Hibiki to Naoki, then down to Naoki’s hands. His warm contended expression twisted into one of suppressed amusement and Kaneki stared at him in horror.  
  
  
A choked laugh escaped Hide’s trembling lips and he quickly pivoted to face the wall, but it was too late.

  
“Hide, you human trashcan, you blew my cover!”

  
Naoki complained, chucking a pillow at Hide’s shaking shoulders while Kaneki slowly reached a hand up to touch his hair.

  
“The braids were too much, man! I couldn’t hold it in! It should be illegal for Kaneki to have little pigtails and…and… bahahhHAHAHAHAHHH!”

  
“Naoki…”

  
Kaneki whispered, smiling benignly at his pal. Naoki tried to nudge Hibiki off of his back and edge away, however Hibiki smirked evilly at Kaneki and held on tight.

  
“This is for my wingman, whose honor you have disgraced.”

  
He growled into Naoki’s ear as Kaneki sprung. A wrestling match soon began.

  
  
~~~~~

  
  
One by one the rest of the guys headed home, grumbling to themselves about all the final assignments they had to complete to graduate high school with decent grades or the curfews that restrained them (“ _it’s tyranny I say! TYRANNY!” “Hibiki, I’m going to tell your father you think he’s a tyrant.” “Ren, what is this backstabbary! You know my dad is essentially Satan!” “Yeah, yeah, and mine is a saint. Let’s go home before we have to face both of them._ ”).   
  
  
Kaneki remained where he was, curled on top of the futon that lay at the foot of Hide’s bed, reading a new novel Ren had deposited into his hands when they both zoned out of the movie everyone had been watching. Humming contentedly, Hide took over the place Ren had recently vacated, leaning his chin onto Kaneki’s shoulder and wrapping his legs around his.  
  


Kaneki summarized the story up until his current page aloud, gesticulating widely while Hide left his finger on the paper as a bookmark. He nodded along and laughed breathily at Kaneki’s imitations of Ren’s faces at various parts ( _“the old man put on the seal skin, thinking he’d become a selkie too, and Ren’s face scrunched up like…”_ ).   
  
  
When Kaneki was done, he began to read again, trailing his long slender fingers across the page for Hide’s eyes to follow. His door creaked and Hide peeked over his shoulder at his parents. Both of them were in their nightclothes. His mother yawned, whispering

  
“Good night, my boys.”  


While his father just waved exhaustedly. Kaneki called out, 

  
“See you in the morning.”

  
Without even looking away from the story in his lap. Hide pressed his smiling lips against Kaneki’s neck. His door creaked shut and Kaneki shifted slightly, lowering his shoulders so Hide could settle in more deeply.

  
“Tired?”

  
His quiet voice was warm and honeyed, just like his mother’s when she called them “my boys” ( _Kaneki sounded like a mom 100% of the time when they were alone and 50% of the time with their friends_ ). He shook his head and leaned his full weight onto Kaneki’s back, causing him to squeak and fold into himself.

  
“I’m not a mattress.”

  
Kaneki sighed exasperatedly ( _he was a sassy mom 30% of the time_ ).

  
“Yes you are. I didn’t give you permission to speak, you piece of furniture.”

  
Hide groused into Kaneki’s neck, swatting at his friend playfully.

  
“I should start charging you for this. Why did I even bother to start sleeping on the floor if you were going to suffocate me down here too?”

  
Hide wrapped his arms around Kaneki’s middle, dog-earing their page in the novel ( _“you book-abuser!”_ ) and flipping them both over so they laid side by side on the futon. He ripped the blanket from his bed and tossed it over Kaneki’s mirthful form. His friend’s head disappeared from view and Hide watched as Kaneki’s toes curled in delight ( _such a childish habit to have at age 18_ ).

  
“We having a dogpile tonight?”

  
Kaneki asked, wrestling the thick blanket off of his face.

  
“Hideyoshi, we got Kaneki a futon for a reason! If you knock over anything valuable in your sleep, I’m going to make Kaneki do the dishes for a week!”

  
Hide’s father’s warning floated through the quiet house and Kaneki snorted gracelessly.

  
“Kaneki should do the dishes anyway, dad! He’s a housewife y’know!”

  
He called back, eyes sparkling with mischief when he caught sight of Kaneki’s fake-pout.

  
“Yes, yes, honey, Kaneki is your wife. Go to bed, ok?”

  
His mother sounded half-asleep. Hide and Kaneki listened to Hide’s dad stumble into the hall to laugh himself sick while his wife went back to dreamland. Kaneki had a single eyebrow arched at him and Hide was choking on a silent laugh attack ( _like father like son_ ).   
  
  
Hide remembered the first time he’d bragged about his and Kaneki’s ring exchange and how for the longest time the other kids thought they were married.   
  
  
Oh man, the past was coming back to haunt them. Kaneki’s nose crinkled and he squinted, clearly recalling the same moment sheepishly. Still, his lip were pressed together in bashful cheer and Hide arched an eyebrow back at him.  
  
  
Slowly, naturally, things settled down and night fell over them. Kaneki's breathing was deep, even, and lulling Hide to sleep even though his arm was painfully twisted underneath Kaneki's back.  
  
  
Hide knew he’d wake up to more breakfast than three people could possibly eat, just like always. Kaneki would shower and get dressed while he brushed his teeth and chucked Kaneki’s old clothes into their laundry pile ( _his mother would wash them, dry them, and place them neatly back amongst the pile of Kaneki's other clothes in his closet_ ). Then he’d make the bed and the futon, because he never put it away anymore.  
  
  
It had been three years since his parents last asked him why Kaneki wasn’t over. It had been months since they’d last bothered to ask IF he was coming over. They just assumed he was.   


It was just natural to. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chigusa loosely carries the meaning of "a thousand seeds/weeds/flowers" and can be taken to loosely mean "an abundance of plants". Mori means "forest" and Ren can be read as "lotus flower". So when Kaneki said that Chigusa reminded him of Mori Ren, he was playing on the fact that their names, when read in different ways, can be interpreted to be the same. He was teasing Hibiki with a play on names since all of his friends play with his.


	9. Violet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Violets can mean two things...honesty and "please love me". In this chapter, Kaneki wants to die and Hide disagrees.
> 
> This chapter contains suicidal thoughts and child abuse. I am so so sorry. I hope this chapter isn't too extreme.
> 
> Also, the yandere is back and more hardcore than ever.

Heavy ceremonial paper makes a particular noise when it brushes against an envelope. It was one Kaneki was familiar with ( _funeral cards were always thick and embossed in gold, certificates and diplomas were stiff like wood, and formal letters had edges sharp enough to slice through both their containers and his skin_ ).  
  
  
Usually the swishing of paper on paper was a noise that calms him down ( _the flipping of pages, the rustling of the newspaper balls Tabatha chased, or piles of money he’d been saving up crinkling_ ). Today it made him angry. **_Terribly indescribably furious_**.

  
  
~~~~~

 

  
Three hours ago his hands had been sweating and his stomach had twisted its way up into his throat. Hide had told him that Kamii University was no longer releasing acceptance letters, as stated in reply to a query he had sent ( _Kaneki’s internet access had been revoked long ago_ ). Kaneki hadn’t received any notification of rejection, so he had held out hope ( _Hide had gotten in and Kaneki’s marks were better_ ), but Hide’s phone call had smothered it.   
  
  
No more acceptance letters.  
  


Hide had picked up on his distress ( _how could he not? Kaneki was pretty sure he had stopped breathing then. He hadn’t gotten_ ** _any_** _acceptances_ ) and had asked him to calm down, saying that he would be there soon. Half an hour later, defying his expectations, Hide had not shown up at Kaneki’s door, but had instead called him back.  
  
  
“They really weren’t supposed to share information like this with me, but I pretended to be you. Getting through administration took a little longer than I expected.”  
  
  
He had said, not even bothering to respond to Kaneki’s greeting with one of his own.  
  
  
“You got in. They sent you a letter and received a rejection. I told them to revoke it.”  
  
  
**_Three hours ago his hands had been sweating._**  
  
  
Two hours ago the Asaoka’s house had been torn apart and every locked drawer was being pried open. **_His hands were bleeding from dozen little papercuts._**  
  
  
Ten minutes ago he had found what he was looking for. Heavy ceremonial paper in a red and blue envelope. It read “Welcome to Kamii U!”.  
  
  
**_His hands were trembling with the force of 6 years of abuse._**

  
  
~~~~~

  
  
The old grey door of the Asaoka’s house ( _not his house._ ** _Never his_** ) was flung open with all the care of a long time resident. In other words, it was tossed aside callously and banged into the wall (l _eaving a dent on top of a layer of dents that HE had never caused_ ). His aunt appeared, outlined in the evening sunlight and carrying a bag of groceries ( _none of which would be for him_ ) and looking at her cellphone.  
  
  
Something about the domestic image she presented made his fingers tighten into a white-knuckled fist and his faced heated up ( _he was so used to cold anger, however everything about this was so uncomfortably hot_ ). The tell-tale sound of ceremonial paper ( _the kind that cuts_ ) rubbing against a cheap pulpy envelope sliced through the entrance hallway of the Asaoka’s house.   
  
  
Maybe his aunt had mistaken the noise for **_money-on-money_** because her head whipped around like a bird of prey’s and zeroed in on his hands.  
  
  
“Why do you have that?”  
  
  
She hissed, low and threatening ( _it irritated him like sandpaper on his skin_ ). Kaneki forewent an answer when her attention was diverted to the state of the house ( _overturned chairs and open drawers_ ). Her face went white with rage and her pupils constricted into pinpricks.  
  
  
“ ** _I have my acceptance letter because it is mine_**.”  
  
  
Kaneki ground out, gripping the letter tighter, the symbol of his success and his oppression.  
  
  
“WHAT GIVES YOU THE RIGHT TO GO THROUGH MY PRIVATE DOCUMENTS, BOY!?”  
  
  
His aunt was screaming now, dropping the groceries and approaching him with long heavy strides. He wanted to back away, though the half step he’d taken in retreat sparked his sense of self-loathing ( _don’t run like a coward_ ). 

  
“GIVE IT BACK TO ME AND CLEAN THIS HOUSE RIGHT NOW. WHAT DO YOU EVEN INTEND TO DO WITH SOMETHING LIKE THAT?”  
  
  
The demand was like tinder to those sparks of hatred. What did he intend to do with the letter? What could he do with it?  
  
  
“YOU CAN’T EVEN AFFORD UNIVERSITY YOU LITTLE SHIT. YOU INSISTED ON WASTING MONEY ON THE APPLICATION PROCESS AND, OUT OF THE KINDNESS OF OUR HEARTS, WE PROVIDED FOR YOU. I KEPT THAT LETTER OUT OF SIGHT SO YOU WOULDN’T GET ANY IDEAS, I DID IT FOR YOUR SAKE, AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME?”  
  
  
Guilt. It had always worked on his mother, hadn’t it? Always.  
  
  
**_Until she died.  
_**  
  
His aunt’s advance had been halted by the dining room table between them. She leaned against it, looming over him as best she could. Intimidation had always worked on him.  
  
  
**_Would he die too?  
_**  
  
“It’s mine. I can do with it what I please.”  
  
  
He whispered to himself. He placed the letter protectively behind his back and squared his shoulders, drowning out the pounding of his heart in the anger that pulsed through him.  
  
  
“It’s MINE, Mrs. Asaoka. I deserve this. I EARNED THIS. I will PAY FOR IT. You paid for my application because you had to, because my teachers asked you to, so don’t you DARE say that to me. I never needed your money.”  
  
  
He announced it loudly this time, gripping the table in a mirror image of his aunt’s position. Two high spots of colour appeared in her cheeks and her long nails scraped against the plastic table cloth.  
  
  
“PAY FOR IT!? AS IF YOU CAN!”  
  
  
Why did she always feel the need to be so loud? All this screeching made it hard to talk over her.  
  
  
“I have money.”  
  
  
“YOU JUST SIT ABOUT ALL DAY DOING NOTHING OR LOAFING AROUND WITH THAT DELINQUENT FRIEND OF YOURS. YOU WASTE OUR MONEY DAY IN AND-“  
  
  
“I have money!”  
  
  
“DAY OUT. YOU HAVE BEEN NOTHING BUT UNGRATEFUL. YOU THINK YOU CAN TALK TO ME LIKE - “  
  
  
“I HAVE MONEY!!!!”  
  
  
He roared at last. He’d planned out EVERYTHING to make it into university ( _tuition, expenses, travel, materials, the next four years of his life in undergraduate_ ) and she was walking all over his hopes and dreams!  
  


“OH, WHY DON’T YOU PAY RENT TO US THEN!? INSTEAD OF GOING AWAY TO SCHOOL WHY DON’T YOU PAY BACK THIS FAMILY FOR EVERYTHING WE'VE DONE FOR YOU? WHY DON’T YOU-“  
  
  
“ ** _WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME!?_** WHY AM I NOT ALLOWED TO BE HAPPY!? WHY CAN’T YOU JUST LET ME HAVE ONE THING!?!?!? JUST! ONE! THING!”  
  
  
The mood whiplash shocked his aunt into silence and Kaneki’s tirade swept him away.  
  
  
“I MADE IT SO MY GOING TO SCHOOL WOULDN’T AFFECT YOU AT ALL. I MADE IT SO IT WOULDN’T PLACE ANY BURDEN ON ANYONE ELSE. I GOT IN THROUGH MY OWN HARD WORK. I PASSED THE ENTRANCE EXAM WITHOUT ANY PAST MATERIALS, WITHOUT ANY HELP, WITHOUT ANY SUPPORT. I’VE BEEN TRYING **_SO HARD_**. I’M NOT IN THE WAY. I’M NOT HURTING ANYONE. I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY FOR ME. **_WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME!?_** ”  
  
  
It was the question that had been on his mind since he was 12. The question that coiled around his ankles and pulled him into the shadows whenever he was in this house. It kept him quiet and coloured his thoughts on a daily basis.   
  
  
After it finally passed through his lips Kaneki felt no relief. One look at his aunt’s face was enough for him to feel only violent regret.  
  
  
“ ** _Because I don’t need to._** ”  
  
  
His heart was running away all by itself and Kaneki wished he could go with it.  
  
  
“ ** _Do you think you are owed love?_** ”  
  
  
He loved her…he thought…  
  
  
“People give each other love. I don’t want to give my love to you. I don’t want to smile for you. Nothing you do makes me happy.”  
  
  
Stop…it...  
  
  
“I don’t want to change myself for you. I don’t need to. I never will.”  
  
  
Kaneki was used to cold anger, however when the heat of his rage seeped out of him like blood from a wound, he found the cold wasn’t quite like what he was used to.  
  
  
This time it hurt.  
  
  
**_It hurt enough to die.  
_**  
  
“I wish you were the one who died…instead of mom.”  
  
  
He choked out, trying to bring back the fury that had been burning him alive. She smiled at him though. Smiled at him like she never had before. Like he’d taken a load of her shoulders ( ** _or absolved her of guilt_** ).  
  
  
“Get out of my house.”  
  
  
It was never his. **_Not even once._**

  
  
~~~~~

 

His feet were blistered and Kaneki was cooling them in the long dewy grass at the park. It had taken him 2 hours to get there on foot and he felt like an idiot for forgetting his shoes. Maybe he would never get them back.  
  
  
Why was he even here?  
  
  
Did he think Hide would come riding in like a white knight and save him?  
  
  
What would Hide be saving him from? Homelessness or himself?  
  
  
No, he wasn’t hoping to be rescued. He’d given up on that a long time ago. He didn’t ever want to be saved by someone else again.  
  
  
He didn’t want to save himself either.  
  
  
He didn’t much of anything anymore ( _not even the letter he’d released during his long walk_ ).  
  
…  
  
  
**_He wanted to die._ **  
  
  
He really really really wanted to die. Just the thought of it, of finishing everything, of just being done with it, filled up the emptiness that he’d been concealing for years. The thought of death gave him a sense of purpose.   
  
  
It was better than the bandaid of spending time with his friends or the meagre flashes of happiness that his achievements had given him.  
  
  
He had to tell Hide though. That’s why he was here. Hide was the only person he could give his last testament to. He had to thank him so he wouldn’t blame himself.  
  
  
Hide wasn’t here though. It had been years since they’d met here regularly. Kaneki had lived too far away or he’d simply been at Hide’s house. Hide wouldn’t be coming here. No one would.  
  
  
Kaneki sat in growing shadows of twilight and felt death tugging at the very core of his being. The tugging filled his head with thoughts like “ _go now_ ”, “ _before you change your mind_ ”, “ _there’s nothing left for you_ ”, and “ _don’t be a coward_ ”.   
  
  
There was another thought though, one that was dominating all the rest. “ _Wait_ ”, it repeated, over and over, “ _just wait_ ”. 

  
  
~~~~~

  
  
The stars seemed incredibly distant through the treetops. Kaneki’s shirt was completely drenched in dew and stuck to his clammy skin. The icy fingertips of the night were sapping his strength and his eyelids were growing heavy.  
  
  
He could just walk to Hide’s house and give him the news. He lived nearby afterall.  
  
  
Twirling his fingers in the grass, Kaneki let his vision be obscured by darkness as he entertained the idea.  
  
  
No. He couldn’t do that. Years of literature had ingrained a sense of atmosphere in him. A sense of symbolism as well. This park meant something to them. It was the place of all their beginnings, all of their important announcements. He would tell him here or nowhere at all ( _he’d only die once…might as well do it right_ ). 

  
  
~~~~~

  
  
The whir of bike tires rolling over gravel drew Kaneki gently out of his stupor. His swollen blistered feet were blessedly numb and he exhaled a sigh of contentment. He listened to the screech of metal as a bike stand was kicked into place, the padding of feet over gravel, over grass, and onto the wood chips that lined the playground.   
  
  
Chains jangled as someone sat on the swings, a good fifteen feet away from where he lay, and he could just barely make out the soft thumping of whatever music the person was listening to. They wouldn’t be able to hear him if he called out. He could wait though. If they never turned to him…if they never saw him…then that is simply how it would be.  
  
  
He should tell Hide ( _but he didn’t have to_ ).

  
-POV Change-

  
  
Every evening Hide came to the park ( _embarrassingly referred to as “their park” by him in his head_ ) he and Kaneki had spent their childhood in. He spent time there doing his homework, listening to music, or simply thinking. The first year he had begun doing this little ritual, his parents had been concerned ( _“it’s winter!” “it’s raining!” the weather was meaningless to him_ ). Now they just let him pass by.   
  
  
He’d been worried for nearly 7 years about the mental state of his best friend and was used to hiding out here with Kaneki whenever he broke down. Hide was a creature of habit and nothing if not dedicated.   
  


Still, some part of him, after all this time, completely failed to anticipate actually **_finding_** Kaneki there. So, when he had finally looked down to Earth after he’d been facing the stars, he drew in a sharp breath of surprise.  
  
  
Hide’s seat gave him a clear line of sight to where Kaneki lay in the grass, soaked to the bone, barefoot, and barely breathing.  
  
  
Once, maybe 2 years ago, Hide had taken a metal shop class. Once, he had placed an apple in the vice grip and tightened it until the apple burst. Currently, his chest felt like that apple.   
  
  
Hide had seen all of Kaneki’s sad faces before. He’d even witnessed the face Kaneki had made at his mother’s funeral ( _white roses pervading his vision_ ). He had never seen Kaneki sit out in a public space with all of his emotions naked on his face before ( _he always hid them. He'd been hiding them since they were children_ ).  
  
  
Trying to act natural ( _don’t startle him_ ), Hide called out a greeting to his friend in the grass. He hoped that setting a standard ( _it’s just another day, a normal day where everything was alright_ ) he would get Kaneki to get up and put on one of his masks. To prove to him that he was ok.   
  
  
Kaneki didn’t move, however. Through the darkness, Hide couldn’t even tell if he was looking at him or if his eyes were even open.  
  
  
“I wish I had never been born.”  
  
  
A flat apathetic voice rang out from the ground ( _from Kaneki_ ).  
  
  
“Wh-“  
  
  
“I want to die, Hide.”  
  
  
Hide stood, rattling the chains of the swing harshly as he dashed over to where Kaneki lay, slipping on the dew and tumbling to his knees, nearly stomping Kaneki's fingers into oblivion.  
  
  
“I wanted to thank you for making everything less grey and for being my friend... for supporting me. I wanted to say it’s not your fault.”  
  
  
His jeans were wet and his face was wetter. Hide engulfed Kaneki’s hands in his own ( _they were so much chillier than his_ ) and crushed them with the force of his desperation. He was shaking like a leaf in the breeze ( _like an autumn leaf about to tumble to the ground and rot forever_ ).  


  
“How am I going to find you on the other side t-t-then? How long will I have to wait for you, Kaneki?”   
  


He breathed, a stutter wandering into his words when he saw confusion spilling across the lines of Kaneki’s prone form. Kaneki stared at him uncomprehendingly and Hide felt ill ( ** _what happened to their promise? Did it mean nothing?_** ).  
  
  
“You look so sick, Hide.”  
  
  
He murmured. Hide’s mouth twisted even further, his features tortured and stressed, and he could feel his skin turning blotchy and red ( _he always was an ugly crier_ ).  
  
  
“Don’t.”  
  
  
Kaneki sighed, twitching one of fingers to rub against the painfully tight cage formed by Hide's hands.  
  
  
“I can’t live there anymore. I can’t live like this.”  
  
  
Why didn’t Kaneki understand what he was saying!? Hide made a wretching sound deep in his throat that quickly evolved into a strangled wail.  
  
  
“WELL I CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT YOU!”  
  
  
He cried out. He shifted his position to pin Kaneki to the grass and glowered at him.  
  
  
“I won’t wait for you. If you go down Kaneki, ** _I’m going down with you_**.”  
  
  
A real expression ( _not muted, not micro, not soaked in apathy_ ) rose to the surface of Kaneki’s face at last. He looked positively horrified.  
  
  
“No…never.”  
  
  
He whispered. Hide met Kaneki’s disgusted ( _self-loathing...Kaneki was disgusted with himself_ ) stare head on, keeping his gaze ferocious and unbending. Under him, Kaneki's expression gave way from fear to ruination. He began to sob and cough in whooping gasps, shaking Hide’s entire body.  
  
  
“If you die, I die. That’s how it is, Kaneki. We’re bound by the soul, remember?”  
  
  
Kaneki cried and cried, but Hide refused to relent, terror gripping his sense of remorse and crushing the life out of it. He used every manipulation tactic, every wheedling little guilt trip, every single power play he had ever learned.   
  
  
His words were crushed glass, wearing down Kaneki’s will and Hide’s better nature until their conversation consisted entirely of “I’ll kill myself” and sobs so violent it wasn’t surprising when Kaneki turned his head and vomited.  
  
  
“I’ll burn this city to the ground before I let you die, Kaneki.”  
  
  
His soul was bleeding black and Hide was tempted to puke as well.  
  
  
**_Mostly because he meant every word he said._**

   


-POV Change-

    


Kaneki squeezed his eyes shut at the venomous tone of Hide’s voice, at the vomit on the grass, and at the pulses of pain rippling through his hand as his bones ground against one another in Hide’s vice-like grip. Most of all though, Kaneki closed his eyes to prevent Hide from seeing them widen and flicker with the terrible prideful joy that those words inspired in him.  
  
  
It was terrifying to see that anything he could ever do to hurt himself would also hurt Hide. It was intensely disturbing to see how far Hide was willing to go, how wild his eyes were, and how different his face looked like this. It was also comforting ( _he’d never been more important than anything else before…he craved it, the attention being lavished on him_ ).  
  
  
Closing his eyes, of course, accomplished nothing ( _Hide had been by his side for far too long to lie to_ ) and Hide loosened his fingers, clearly realizing he’d obtained his goal. Gentle hands rolled Kaneki away from the puddle of his distress and Kaneki felt acutely grateful.   
  
  
Hide’s weight settled on top of him once again, warm and familiar instead of demanding and animalistic. His eyes fluttered open and his gaze landed on his long-time friend’s pained expression.  
  
  
There was a desperate apology present there that Kaneki didn’t want to accept ( _he only wanted to fade away but he couldn’t even do that_ ). It made him feel like a monster for being even the slightest bit validated. He was dreading hearing more, of being driven even further from his goal, of becoming even sadder ( _because he’d hurt Hide deeply_ ) or even more oddly elated ( _because he was important in a sick sick way_ )  
  
  
“Everything I said…it was manipulative. I’m so sorry. I won’t do what your aunt does…Kaneki, it’s ok. It’s ok. I won’t say it. Ever.”  
  
  
Hide was babbling at a thousand words a minute.  
  
  
“I’ll never say any of that again, so Kaneki, could you look at me? Keep looking at me. Just for tonight, let’s run away.”  
  
  
Kaneki kept Hide in his blurry vision as his friend dragged him to his feet and clasped his face.  
  
  
“Let this world die. I don’t care about it. Let’s make you a new one. Somewhere to belong. I won’t let you go.”  
  
  
Kaneki let himself lean into Hide’s fevered touch, nodding his head tiredly. There were a thousand voices ( _of bullies, of his family, of his failures_ ) that crawled into his ears and told him that Hide would get tired of him and that they couldn’t actually build themselves a new world.   
  
  
However, beyond those little whispers, there was the familiar swish of paper sliding over paper.  
  
  
“ ** _Wait,_** ”  
  
  
It advised him.  
  
  
“ ** _Just wait._** ”  
  
  
He had done that once. He could do it again. 

  
  
~~~~~

  
  
They spent a week in a hotel holed up together. Hide had called every single university Kaneki had applied to and discovered he hadn’t been rejected by a single one. He created giant lists of pros and cons, digging up all kinds of information about each university through the students and faculty. Kaneki had stayed in bed throughout this process, feverish and trying to crush the deep desire to sleep forever.   
  
  
By some miracle, Hide managed to wrangle him into looking at his painfully constructed cost benefit analysis of all his choices ( _his choices…he had choices_ ) and had even forced him to pick something. Hide quickly left the hotel room after that, shooting him a threatening glare that said “stay there or else”. He’d soon returned, having filed for acceptance of Kamii’s offer for the both them.  
  
  
Hide brought back pamphlets for student housing and picking courses. Even though nothing had really changed ( _he’d known this moment was coming_ ), once Kaneki had a pamphlet in hand, he had started tearing up. Hide smiled at him, pressing a kiss to his forehead and looking back at him with equally watery eyes.  
  
  
“I took these ones because of the slogan. ‘A new beginning’. It’s too perfect, eh ‘Neki?”

  
  
~~~~~

  
  
Kaneki had several jobs now. He was living in a tiny motel while he house-hunted. Under his mattress was all the money he’d squirreled away at the Asaoka’s ( _Hide and him had broken in and recovered many of his things from the shed…everything that hadn’t already been sold_ ).   
  
  
Hide was standing in the doorway of his motel room, a concerned frown on his face as Kaneki straightened out his work uniform.  
  
  
“You don’t need to do this, you know. We could always share a place.”  
  
  
Kaneki let a minuscule smile bloom as he quirked an eyebrow at his pushy best friend.  
  
  
“You’re already funding my little escapade here. I want to do this with my own power. I need to be able to support myself Hide…I just do.”  
  
  
Though he looked a little stung, Hide nodded his assent.  
  
  
“Leaning on me a little bit won’t hurt me, Kaneki.”  
  
  
He whispered in a defeated tone ( _this argument had been had and won by Kaneki many times already_ ). This time, a wider smile graced Kaneki’s features and he gathered Hide into his arms firmly.  
  
  
“You’re supporting me so I can support myself. I am leaning on you.”  
  
  
He murmured into Hide’s stupid bleached blonde hair. His best friend sighed tiredly, but nodded once again, taking him by the hand and pulling Kaneki out the door.  
  
  
“Go to work, Bakaneki. I expect you to buy me a burger for all this trouble.”  
  
  
He grumbled, pushing Kaneki towards the motel lobby. Kaneki chuckled, the sound a shadow of its former self, though richer than it had been in weeks.  
  
  
“Of course. I’ll see you later.”  
  
  
He would see him later, wouldn’t he?  
  
  
He’d see him for the rest of his life. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm finally off of hiatus! It feels good to finally write something again even if it was this super hurtful piece of work. Yandere Hide gave me shivers in this situation. Aunt Asaoka gave me shivers. Kaneki himself gave me shivers. I...uh...was this ok? This series is nearly over. The next chapter is happier - I promise!!!


	10. Wild Wisteria

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wisteria generally bears the meanings of eternity, patience, the duality of love, and release from burdens. Wild varieties, however, are symbolic of the birth of something beautiful. 
> 
> Kaneki and Hide's lives are about to change.
> 
> PS. The Japanese school year starts in spring, so this chapter is beginning 2 months after classes begin.

A single headlight ( _traffic violation or motorcycle?_ ) briefly illuminated the grass surrounding him as Hide stood alone in **_their_** park, shivering in his thin coat. An equally thin sheet of paper escaped his grasp when he sneezed and Hide gazed after its sailing form with irritation.   
  
  
That paper had once been his cheat sheet for a midterm in one of his International Studies classes at Kamii. Without it, he was probably doomed.  
  
  
Contemplating giving chase, Hide paced over to **_their_** park’s rusty swingset and fiddled with his phone, checking the time.  
  
  
“It’s already 10:30 Baka-neki…you got off work an hour ago. Even your slow ass should’ve been able to make it here by now.”  
  
  
He grumbled to himself, scraping a hand through his hair in frustration ( _the note had disappeared somewhere around the entrance to the park, never to be seen again_ ). A cursory glance at the park entrance, barely lit by a yellowing streetlamp, failed to reveal Kaneki’s approaching figure.   
  
  
Hide sighed heavily, sneezing again in the uncharacteristic mid-June chill. He sat himself down on the swings heavily, wincing at the rasping groan the chains made in the oppressive silence that had been pressing down on him.   
  


The sky had been heavily clouded over during the day and any sign of the stars had been blotted out, so Hide wouldn’t be surprised if it started raining any minute now. His headphones were a delicate creature and he had no desire to expose them to water so early on in their career ( _his last set had been shorted out under similar circumstances less than a month ago_ ).  
  
  
Agitation pricked at his scalp and he scrubbed his hand over the skin there in a stressed-out tick. Inaction bothered him lately ( _there was always a test to write, a paper to complete, studying to be done, clubs to arrange meetings fo_ r) and he was reaching the end of his very short rope since Kaneki was **_at least_** 20 minutes late for a meeting **_he had requested_**.  
  
  
“Nggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”  
  
  
He groaned, shifting himself face-down so that the swing shrieked along with his agony and his gut dug into the seat.  
  
  
“What is taking so loooooooooooong?”  
  
  
It had been ages since he last got to see Kaneki outside of class. He was always working, rushing to the motel in which he stayed, or desperately speeding through his homework while awkwardly accepting what little monetary help Hide could provide ( _his finances were running short and Kaneki’s expression was slowly becoming as pinched as it had back during the reign of the Asaoka’s_ ).   
  
  
He was running on a Kaneki-low when he **_should_** be on a Kaneki-high and it was torture!  
  
  
Not only was now an important time to be at Kaneki’s side ( _he was reluctant to trust him on his own after…that_ ) but Kaneki was also Hide’s stress buffer! Honestly, why should he have to suffer through midterm season without his hands buried in Kaneki’s silky hair? Without his attempts at making Hide focus? Without his embarrassing stuttering when the pretty waitress at Big Girl’s smiled at him? **_Without Kaneki’s mom-smile!?  
_**  
  
“Kaneeeeekkkkkkkkkkiiiiiiiiiiii!”  
  
  
Oops, he sounded like a dying whale right there. Suddenly embarrassed, Hide hauled himself back into an upright position on the swing and glancing around furtively for anyone who could’ve heard that.   
  
  
Kaneki was kneeling on the grass, Hide’s slightly dew-damp notes in hand and a tired grin on his face.  
  
  
“Speak of the devil and he shall appear.”  
  
  
Kaneki noted in a light voice. He stood from his crouch and moaned when his knees cracked ( _he sounded like an old man and it was weirdly endearing_ ).  
  
  
“You need this, right? Honestly, I don’t see why you can’t just keep a spare copy of your notes on your phone like any other sane person.”  
  
  
He pressed the paper into Hide’s waiting grasp. Hide found his earlier irritation mounting when the ink ran from the page and smudged deeply into his white shorts. He took his eyes of the cheat sheet and peered instead at Kaneki’s face, ready to ream him out for making him wait so long.   
  
  
Kaneki smiled his mom-smile ( _brimming with exhausted well-worn fondness_ ) and Hide’s already pitiable resolve crumbled. He found himself delivering a mega-watt grin straight to Kaneki’s weary little heart as he thumped him on the back, asking,  
  
  
“How are you. buddy? You haven’t asked to meet up in awhile.”  
  
  
In his closest approximation of a casual tone ( _he didn’t want to sound as wistful as he felt_ ). Heaving a dry laugh, Kaneki collapsed at Hide’s feet, settling himself on the ground below the swing and leaning on his legs, nearly tipping him from his seat.  
  
  
“Guess what?”  
  
  
Kaneki drawled, letting his head flop onto Hide’s knees gracelessly so he could look at him.  
  
  
“Chicken butt?”  
  
  
HIde responded, smirking at Kaneki’s rolling eyes. Usually that comment would’ve earned him at least a grumble ( _his friend must be in a really good mood_ ).  
  
  
“I went apartment hunting before work.”  
  
  
The statement didn’t really surprise Hide, since it had been the norm ever since Kaneki had moved into a cramped motel room instead of a house.  
  
  
“And?”  
  
  
He prompted, jostling his leg impatiently, nudging Kaneki around in the process.  
  
  
“I got a call-back during my shift. I answered it the second I got off work.”  
  
  
So that was why he was so late ( _any dying vestiges of annoyance in him were burnt to a crisp_ ).  
  
  
“The price recently dropped. Ghoul activity in the area and all that.”  
  
  
Hide was sure there was a thread he was supposed to be catching onto here. Maybe the sleepless nights and academic pressure had addled his brain, but he was definitely not getting the point.   
  
  
Kaneki eyeballed his scrunched up eyebrows and coughed out a sad excuse for a chortle ( _he’d really been overworking himself_ ).  
  
  
“I’m the only person interested in the place. If I can manage to scrape together enough money for 3 months rent and an insurance deposit, I’m in. I’ll have a house within the month.”  
  
  
Hide stopped breathing, stopped thinking, and his heart probably stopped beating too. This was such a golden opportunity, however he knew better than anyone how badly Kaneki was doing in the cash department. Another raspy chuckle from below him thawed the ice that had been creeping into his veins.  
  
  
“The place is a dump. I can afford it…if I stop paying for the motel.”  
  
  
At this, Kaneki got to his feet, trudging over to some masses Hide hadn’t noticed in the shadows earlier. Kaneki picked them up and let them fall to the ground in better lighting, shyly toeing at them and struggling to meet Hide’s intense stare.  
  
  
“Are those…”  
  
  
He tried to ask, only for the question to die away at the undeniable fact that Kaneki’s luggage lay within his sight.  
  
  
“Can I…move in with you? Just while I get things sorted out…it won’t be for long. I just…with this I can-“  
  
  
“YES, YES, YES, A THOUSAND TIMES YES!”  
  
  
Hide roared, sweeping off the swing and tripping over Kaneki’s bags before he finally managed to launch himself at his best friend in the entire goddamn universe. Embarrassingly, he was crying, and so he decided to embarrass Kaneki as well by scooping him into his arms and twirling him around, emphatically repeating his agreement with Kaneki’s plans.  
  
  
“You already moved out!? Oh my God, you know how difficult it is to get a room anywhere in this area and and and you just **_trusted_** me enough to ** _move out_** and **_be here_**!?”  
  
  
He cried out, still whirling a wheezing Kaneki in circles.  
  
  
“My Kaneki tanks are now officially running on a Kaneki-high! ** _I love you!_** I love you, I love you, I love you, my soul mate~!”  
  
  
His voice had pitched off into a sing-song chant and Kaneki laughed helplessly in his arms, sputtering as he attempted to shush him between ugly dry-throated ( _endearing_ ) guffaws.  
  
  
“Kaneki tanks? I don’t even…people are sleeping Hide. Sssssh!”  
  
  
Hide’s iron grip around Kaneki’s middle tightened as he let them flop onto the wood mulch lining the playground. Upon impact, Kaneki’s elbow knocked the breath out of his lungs and he had to greedily suck air for awhile before he could speak again.  
  
  
“Let’s go! I’ll take you back to my place! My roommates are so far into their midterm funks they won’t even care! Today is such a **_good_** day!”  
  
  
Kaneki knocked their foreheads together lightly ( _an admonishment_ ) and watched him with twinkling grey-blue eyes.  
  
  
“Calm down, have patience. I want to stay here for awhile. Is that alright?”  
  
  
Kaneki queried, twisting off of Hide’s torso and onto the ( _uncomfortably pointy_ ) orange wood mulch.  
  
  
“Yeah man, whatever you’d like. Tonight might as well be your birthday as far as I’m concerned.”  
  
  
A curtain of black hair fell over Kaneki’s pensive eyes, obscuring them from Hide’s view, when he tipped his head down.  
  
  
“Haha…I guess this is a little like rebirth…”  
  
  
Kaneki whispered, something glittering and bright falling from each of his words and tinkling in his laughter ( _Hide hadn’t meant to say something deep, though he was grateful he had_ ).  
  
  
“I’ve never,”  
  
  
His best friend began, propping himself up on his elbows and crossing his legs at the ankle, the very picture of a school-boy.  
  
  
“Felt so light before. So free. It’s like before this moment there’d always been something heavy around my ankles. Around my wrists and shoulders too.”  
  
  
His tone was contemplative, maybe even nostalgic, and undeniably content. The content of what he was saying brought about a deep sense of sadness in Hide, however, who couldn’t say that he understood the sensation of being held down.   
  
  
In moments like these he always felt like Kaneki was drifting away from him and scrabbled to pull him back. This time though…his friend seemed to happy to pull back. Maybe…  
  
  
“Somehow though…haha, this is going to sound stupid. I’ve also never been so lonely before, y’know?”  
  
  
Kaneki sniffled and grasped onto Hide’s unconsciously outstretched hand, startling him.  
  
  
“I want to be independent. I don’t want to be someone’s burden again, I don’t want to be the ball and chain around their ankles, or the albatross around their neck. I’m delighted I won’t be. It feels great. But Hide…it feels like I’ll drift away if I’m left alone. Like if I don’t **_need_** anyone or if they don’t need me, I’ll just stop existing someday.”  
  


The sudden strange desire to ask Kaneki to live with him again ( _not just for a month, no, for the rest of their lives_ ) crawled up from his heart and made a home in his mouth. Hide ruthlessly refrained from speaking, knowing exactly how his friend would react.   
  
  
Kaneki scrutinized his face and, in a moment of startling intuition ( _was it uncharacteristic or had Kaneki just never had the peace of mind to_ ** _really_** _look at him before?_ ), his expression melted into understanding.  
  
  
“I’m happy I’m alive.”  
  
  
Kaneki whispered, nuzzling against Hide’s thin jacket and chasing away the cold like only skinship could.  
  
  
“I’m happy that I met you. I’m happy that you helped me grow up and kept me afloat.”  
  
  
The desperate wish to ask Kaneki to stay, to not drift away without him, and to need him forever, didn’t go away with Kaneki’s declaration. Instead, it felt like his desire was being sated, like he was a starving man being fed.  
  
  
“I’m so happy that you’re here.”  
  
  
**_To stop me from leaving_** …that was the implication, wasn’t it? Hysterical tears welled up in his eyes and Hide began to sob in earnest, letting the volume of his cries increase until the echoed all around them. **_He was needed too_**.   
  
  
Even when Kaneki was well-adjusted, even if he got old and married and had a dozen dogs and kids and a white picket fence like he deserved, Kaneki would need Hide. Or rather, ** _he’d want him_**. ** _He’d choose him_**.  
  
  
Kaneki chuckled weakly when Hide mashed his head further into his chest, turning his nuzzling session into an attempt at suffocation.  
  
  
“I thought I was the cry-baby…?”  
  
  
Kaneki teased. Through his tears, Hide vehemently denied all accusations ( _“my eyes are just sweaty!”_ ) and jokingly insulted the person who had come to mean so much to him ( _“Baka-neki! Baka!”_ ).

  
When the waterworks finally ended ( _Hide was 90% sure someone in the area filed a noise complaint_ ) and Hide was breathing steadily and calmly, Kaneki spoke up again.  
  
  
“I’m not really sure I can pull off going to school and working at the same time for 4 years.”  
  
  
He murmured, leaning into Hide’s hands as he played with his hair ( _check one stress buffer off the “why life is Hell without Kaneki” midterm list_ ).  
  
  
“We can split grocery bills since I’ll be at your place practically 24/7.”  
  
  
Hide replied, popping some sore spots in his spine. Quiet chortles accompanied his statement and Kaneki huffed out,  
  
  
“Of course you will be.”  
  
  
Before they descended into silence once more. A few stars peeked out from behind the clouds and Hide pondered the lack of rain while Kaneki traced Ursa Major with his finger.  
  
  
“Is this the last time we’ll meet here then?”  
  
  
Kaneki wondered aloud, a thread of bittersweet nostalgia holding the whispered question together.  
  
  
“If I ever get…overwhelmed…I’ll probably come here whether I mean to or not.”  
  
  
Hide found himself saying. Kaneki’s hair slid through his fingers as he nodded in agreement, mumbling,  
  
  
“Me too.”  
  
  
The piercing call of a owl was emitted from the treeline and the both of them startled before settling back into their contented stunted conversation.  
  
  
“It’d be depressing if this was the last time we came here. I wonder if I could ever move away from Tokyo?”  
  
  
Hide let that thought dissipate like the morning mist and began to hum the first song that came to mind. It was one of his favourites and consequently Kaneki’s as well.  
  
  
“At least I’ll save money on headphones as long as you’re around.”  
  
  
They traded jokes back and forth, beats of silence ebbing and flowing between chuckles. They played tag on the wet grass like children and tumbled over Kaneki’s damp and filthy luggage as they went.   
  
  
Slowly, they sky cleared overhead and they settled atop the jungle gym to trace out constellations, real and imagined, together as they savoured whatever this night had left to offer them.  
  
  
“Hey ‘Neki,”  
  
  
Hide’s voice was growing rough from the late hour and he coughed to clear his throat.  
  
  
“If I was a ghoul, I’d eat that girl in ancient lit. You know, the one you think is cute.”  
  
  
Kaneki mom-smiled at him, warm and safe, and knocked their shoulders together lightly. His eyes went half-lidded and they regarded each other for awhile, taking in all the features that they’d missed in these past 2 months.  
  
  
“C’mon. Let’s go home.”  
  
  
The way Kaneki said it was like the caress of warm laundry and Hide nodded dumbly. He wondered for a moment if he was in love with this new, softer, happier Kaneki. The thought lingered, silky and settling around his neck in the phantom sensation of his favourite scarf.  
  
  
Maybe…maybe this wasn’t a new thought.  
  
  
Maybe it was just the first time he’d noticed.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it for chapters up until the beginning of Carry Me Home! The next (last) chapter of this series is going to deal with a past event. Here's a hint as to which one: the chapter title is "White Rose".
> 
> ...I can't believe I'm actually one chapter away from finishing a story. This is amazing to me. I can finally start looking at some of the other side stories again and...oh God...the main story too. BTW this whole side story is foreshadowing a bit about some things that'll be showing up in the main story, as will all the other side stories (with the exception of some crack). Each thing should be capable of being read as a stand-alone though.


	11. White Rose

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> White is the colour of innocence and silence. Roses, growing strong and unyielding, are representative of devotion. 
> 
> They are also funeral flowers.
> 
> Warnings: death and the reveal of Hide's internal yandere dialogue throughout the years.
> 
> *This takes place within Kaneki and Hide's first year of university in Kaneki's new apartment.

The soft chime of moving western cutlery and metal chopsticks slid through the air as Hide knelt at Kaneki’s mother’s shrine. The cushion under his knees still radiated heat from when Kaneki had been using it ( _he always whispered to her before dinner; sharing the evening conversation families often spoke at the table. It was the habit of a lonely child_ ).  
  
  
His knees were well-cushioned on the homemade downy square and Hide felt himself relaxing into a slouched and sloppy prayer position. A photo of Kaneki’s mother stared him down, her eyes guileless and without judgement for his rude posture. Kneeling there, Hide wondered about what thoughts and feelings he could possibly direct towards a dead woman.

  
He’d never liked Kaneki’s mother while she was still alive. When he was still very young, she was the first person to cause the dark inky space inside of him to take form ( _into an ocean of malicious manipulative intent, hatred, and an impossibly deep trench of possessive love_ ).  
  
  
He had feared her ( _feared the way his hands twitched towards her thro-_ ) and her very visage could sour his day ( _Kaneki’s face would droop like a_ ** _wilting flower_** _and he wondered if_ ** _blood_** _was like_ ** _water_** _\- no, he was past these kinds of things, these kinds of thoughts_ ).  
  
  
Still, he had never wanted her to die ( _except for those nights that - no, no, stop. Her death hurt Kaneki, didn’t it?_ ** _Remember that_** ).  
  
  
Hide sighed, pulling his posture upwards and setting his spine straight ( _just because it had been years since he’d last thought of this woman didn’t mean he couldn’t face old demons_ ). Clasping his hands together as if in prayer, Hide delved into memory to gather his resolve.

  
  
-7 Years Ago-

  
  
The smell of roses was overpowering, a scent as sweet as rot, and Hide’s hand spasmed fruitlessly in Kaneki’s grip, preventing him from covering his nose. The funeral service was long and many people sat in the uncomfortable marble pews around the room. Speeches were delivered amongst the sound of broken wails and heavy sniffles, but Hide didn’t **_really_** hear a thing.  
  
  
Everything around him was muffled under the blanket of noiselessness that his best friend seemed to be projecting into the room. Kaneki’s eyes were wide and dry, his hands were clenched fiercely tight, and his breathing was completely inaudible. He hadn’t moved at all in the past hour and, even though his fingers were curled around Kaneki’s wrist, Hide couldn’t feel his pulse.

 

Hide wondered to himself if Kaneki was listening to funeral service, if he could hear anything at all, or if he was also trapped in the white silence between them.

 

  
~~~~~

  
  
Hide’s right hand had become waxy and pale from lack of circulation. He eyed it critically, noting that his base skin tone was darker than Kaneki’s ( _his bloodless hand remained slightly more yellow than Kaneki’s milky knuckles_ ). Would his hand fall off if Kaneki kept holding onto it like this?  
  
  
He supposed that such a thing was alright, though he’d prefer it if the crowd gathering around Kaneki would let up with the questioning soon. Each new query, muffled though they were by the buzz and crackle of white noise, impossibly caused Kaneki’s vice-like grip to grow more bone crushing.

  
  
~~~~~

 

  
The static in his ears ebbed away when a minister approached his friend, sympathy ( _not empathy, because no one here could empathize with him_ ) shining marble-bright in his cornflower blue eyes.  
  
  
“It’s ok to cry, little one.”  
  
  
He said, kneeling and ruffling Kaneki’s locks with a trembling hand thick with liver spots. Whispers flew around the hall, carried on breezes and stained with the viscous stench of roses, and Hide’s right hand cramped terribly.  
  
  
“You haven’t shed a single tear. One as young as you…I’m sure you have some, no?”  
  
  
The fingers resting amongst Kaneki’s black tresses shook more violently as the man’s words slipped through his lips, no confidence in them at all. His statement was as limp and insubstantial as tissue paper, easily swept away by the fervent hushed gossip settling around his shuddering hands.  
  
  
Kaneki’s head tilted an inch to the right, inclined towards Hide, and the man’s skin slid gratefully off of it.  
  
  
“I’m fine.”  
  
  
Kaneki murmured, his occupied left hand jerking upwards, dragging Hide’s up with it, before it fell without notice. The minister looked disgusted by this response, like Kaneki had said something wrong.  
  
  
As he walked away, the whispers were muffled again by white noise.

  
  
~~~~~

  
  
Hide had been under the impression funerals were held not only to honour the dead, but to comfort the family they had left behind.  
  
  
‘Had been’ because he was no longer of that belief.  
  
  
“Even if everyone anticipated her death, she had been sick for awhile, poor thing, I don’t understand why her son is just…standing there like it doesn’t matter that she’s dead. It’s creepy.”  
  
  
“Hush now, the boy is probably just in shock.”  
  
  
“It’s been days. How could he be in shock?”  
  
  
Hide was in shock. Shocked that people could be stupid enough to discuss this while he and Kaneki stood side by side not even ten feet away.  
  
  
“Who is going to take him in? I owe her so much…but…a child…”  
  
  
“That’s the family's responsibility.”  
  
  
“His father is dead.”  
  
  
“His grandparents are dead.”  
  
  
“ ** _He’s an orphan_**.”  
  
  
“Next of kin?”  
  
  
“Why should they have to take on another child? Honestly, they’re already struggling with money, aren’t they?”  
  
  
“Maybe he should just go to a foster home.”  
  
  
“Who would adopt a child who doesn’t talk?”

  
“Elena! That’s terrible!”  
  
  
“Oh hush you. Him and his little friend haven’t said a word this entire time. Mabuchi is right; it is creepy. Who let another child come to a ** _f_** ** _ **u** neral_** unchaperoned anyway? Clearly he’s bad news.”  
  
  
“There’s always the money you can get from child support…”

  
Hide sent no prayers for the dead and delivered no utterances of regret or sorrow for those assembled.  
  
  
The dead were dead. These mourners only spoke kind words for someone who would never be able to answer them. They cried for someone who was already gone. They asked for forgiveness from an old dead bitch while her only living son shattered under the weight of a world that didn’t want him.  
  
  
**_Who were funerals for anyway?_**

  
  
~~~~~~

 

The brief interlude between the service and the burial ended with the old trembling minister passing out the white roses that had filled all the free space in the hall. The blossoms reeked of despair and Hide thought that fate was cruel.   
  
  
Kaneki’s mother had died shortly after ordering in a new shipment of the damn things, the awful flowers that had flooded their house before her death, so that she could arrange and sell them. They had arrived in pristine condition the day before her funeral and had been integrated into the service.  
  
  
“It’s what she would’ve wanted.”  
  
  
The minister was saying, his voice stifled and unclear.  
  
  
“To keep giving, even after death. These flowers are a balm for the soul and will heal your hurt.”  
  
  
**_Fate was cruel, but people were far more unkind._**    


A white rose was slipped into Kaneki’s unoccupied hand as the minister slid by ( _Hide’s hands remained empty and he snorted - Kaneki’s mother had never given him anything but misery. He supposed that wouldn’t change even after she died_ ). A minuscule gasp drew his attention to the pained expression on Kaneki’s pale and drawn features.  
  
  
He followed Kaneki’s gaze and felt something leaden settle deep within his soul at the sight that greeted him. Of all the hundreds of roses in hall, Kaneki’s fingers had been cut by the only one that still had thorns.  
  
  
A very melancholy and defeated laugh escaped Hide. He couldn’t help but wonder at the irony of it all. The only person hurt by her final gift was the one who needed healing the most.

  
  
~~~~~

 

“You are RESPONSIBLE for him. You’re his next of kin!”   
  
  
At least one person here had a conscience. Hide internally congratulated the exhausted-looking man arguing with Kaneki’s aunt, the one with the money problems, and hoped that he won this embarrassingly public battle of wills.  
  
  
He had wanted to leave when this fight first erupted ( _outside on the grass at the funeral plot where other mourners could hear and stare_ ), but Kaneki had shaken his head and refused to move.  
  
  
“I can’t afford to raise another child! I can barely afford my own!”  
  
  
If he was going to stay, Hide felt he should at least provide more support than holding hands. He turned Kaneki’s head away from the arguing pair and into his shoulder, keeping his own stare fixed and judgmental.  
  
  
“You should have thought of that before you worked her to death.”

  
Someone in a black suit with gaudy gold cufflinks approached them, some worthless platitude poised and ready in the back of his throat. Hide shifted his field of vision, just barely allowing the man to enter the centre of it, and glared at him with all the seething frustration that this day had built up inside of him.  
  
  
Some pathetic noises still escaped the man, but Hide returned to focusing on the quarreling adults.  
  
  
“I dare you to say that again. Do you know how upsetting today has been for me!? I was her SISTER!”  
  
  
The woman did sound genuinely distressed and her cheeks were red from crying, but Hide shared the tired man’s opinion. The man turned his face away. A heavy pause came and went, but the man didn’t apologize.  
  
  
“You are an adult. You must carry the burdens of children until they are strong enough to shoulder them.”  
  
  
Kaneki shivered against Hide’s own shoulders, his head a heavy and comfortable weight. Did he feel bad for that man? Had he seen the downward slope of the man’s shoulders, bent under who knows how many burdens already? Hide’s eyes watered and he squinted to maintain a clear view of the fight for Kaneki’s custody.  
  
  
“Fine. Fine, I can do this for her. ** _I…_ _ **owe** her_**.”  
  
  
A thread of regret wove through her voice and was reinforced by guilt. The woman’s shoulders slumped like the new financial load was a physical one. Hide considered the three of them, himself, the man, and Kaneki’s aunt, encumbered as they were. The man caught his eye and smiled like a sigh, his eyelids drooping with the exhaustion that seemed to define him.  
  
  
The aunt spotted him next, gaze skipping over him to settle crushingly upon Kaneki’s back. There was resignation in her stare, nearly drowning out the sorrow that made shadows stain the skin under her eyes. He wondered what kind of image he posed to them, happy as he was with the weight resting against him.  
  


Something about the thought made him uncomfortable.   
  


Hide broke his vigil over the world-weary adults and ran his hands through Kaneki’s hair ( _it was a bit greasy and sweaty, however Hide payed no mind_ ). Kaneki lifted his face from its resting spot and Hide flinched at how pasty it had gone. This micro-admission of vulnerability drew in the adults again like moths to flame.  
  
  
Worried tones tumbled into his ears and his vision blurred with tears as Kaneki began to shake and go even whiter. Fed up with everyone and everything and with nothing left to stop him, Hide tugged Kaneki out of the crowd.  
  
  
He pulled him through the reception hall, viciously stomping on the snowy petals coating the carpet, and then yanked him into the first semi-private alcove he spotted.  
  


The stoney face he’d been wearing since his parents had dropped him and Kaneki here ( _“do you want us to come too, dears?” “no…I don’t want people to think that I’ve replaced her.” “Kaneki…darling…alright. We’ll wait for you. If you want to leave at anytime, we’ll be in the parking lot, ok?”_ ) finally crumbled away, hot tears streaming down Hide’s cheeks and filling his mouth with the taste of salt.  
  
  
He pulled the rose from Kaneki’s fist and the thorns cut them both. Hide smashed the token of wasted affection and misspent time underneath his feet and turned his back on his shell-shocked friend. Planting his feet into the plush carpet and spreading out his arms, Hide stood like a sentinel to hide his friends tearful form.  
  
  
“You can’t upset me or anyone else by crying if they can’t see you do it.”  
  
  
He hoarsely stated. Bloody cold hands grasped at the back of his shirt and passed tremors down his spine. Kaneki began to silently sob.  
  
  
Crying alone in a corner with his face turned away from the world that didn’t want him, the son of the deceased whispered his parting words.  
  
  
“ _Mom…I miss you, mom. I miss you, I love you, and I hope you’re safe in heaven._ ”  


Even though his friend only spoke words of longing and prayers of a happy passing, Hide couldn’t find it in himself to try and let this woman’s spirit leave in peace. He cursed her name even as he worried that his selfishness would prevent Kaneki from ever getting what he wanted.   
  
  
Who exactly were funerals for anyway?

 

-Present-

 

“Mrs Kaneki…I hope that you passed on to the afterlife with no regrets or malice binding you to this world. I want…with all my heart…for your son to move on from you. I love him… ** _but so did you_**.”  
  
  
Hide slid the comfortable pillow out from underneath his knees and let his skin meet unforgiving wood. He wanted to move on from the past and he didn’t want to do it with ease or kind words. He wanted it to hurt. He wanted the bad things inside of himself to die.  
  
  
“I’m sorry for the ill-will I harboured against you. I’m sorry for never letting Kaneki speak of you. He can see the darkness in my face…I know he can. I hope he can share his memories of you with me in the future. I hope he can do that so he no longer shares them with you at this shrine, keeping your memory alive. I hope he can let you go.”  
  
  
He bowed his head to the photograph of the first person he ever hated.  


The gentle tapping of metal on porcelain and a quiet call of  
  
  
“Hide, dinner.”  
  
  
Summoned him to his feet without a backwards glance. Kaneki had changed. He’d become warm and soft, moving forwards with his life. Hide now knew that for this change to stay, to become permanent, he couldn’t let Kaneki change alone.  


...  


Hate had crippled them both once, however it had also made Hide strong enough to carry Kaneki through Hell and back.  
  
  
Sitting down to the first meal of his new life, Hide brushed his scraped and bruised knees against Kaneki’s unmarked white ones. Pressed against him, as clean and fresh as new-fallen snow, as pure and childlike as the white wildflowers in rings made years ago, Hide grinned lazily.

  
If he could really leave hate behind, what would love do for them?

  
  
  
**-The End-**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's it. Daisy Chain is over. I can't believe it? I can't believe I'm posting this in the middle of the night? Honestly though, I'm so delighted to end on this note. I hope this explains Hide's actions in Carry Me Home and I hope everyone can understand his and Kaneki's feelings a little more clearly now. Additionally, some part of me just can't believe that the Asaoka's are completely remorseless about their actions being instrumental in the death of a little boy's mother. The brief tidbits we see of Aunt Asaoka all remind me of Aunt Petunia in Harry Potter; she seems to be someone hopelessly jealous over her sister's happiness, someone who pushes and pushes her, trying to find the end of her kindness while trying to push her away because she still loves her. Her canon treatment of Kaneki becomes harsher the more he reminds her of her sister, like the guilt and the jealousy are weighing her down. She's still a terrible person imo, but I doubt Ishida has ever written a single person as...anything less than a person. 
> 
> Anyway, man, ok, I really hope everyone enjoyed reading this side series as much as I enjoyed writing it! I love you guys!
> 
> ((((In light of recent events in :Re [chapter 53], I was wrong about Kaneki's relationship with his mother. While this chapter notes that someone can abuse you and still love you, what is written here has no intention of minimizing physical abuse. I had no idea at the time this was written that Kaneki's mother beat him. That's why it isn't mentioned here in this story. I might change some things and add it in at a later date, however for now just know I'm not trying to gloss over it))))


End file.
